Making Amends

As much as I'd love to blame everything on everyone else (wouldn't we all?), I'm working on making amends with people. Somewhere along this road, I became a very hostile and angry person. I am trying so hard to remember the good in everyone. I read a quote today, "Even if you stumble, you're still moving forward." Every day I stumble a little more, but I hope it is in the right direction. I also read, "By changing nothing, nothing changes." I have to make change in my life- and that means in a positive way. Finally, "Getting over a painful experience is like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." I don't want to let go of my dream of having a baby, but I have to let go of every time someone hurt me. I have to let go of the failed cycles and move onto the next ones. I have to let myself open up, heal, and move on. I've been telling myself I was healing, but in all reality, I was just covering up the pain temporarily. Thus, I am sorry to anyone I may have hurt or offended along the way. I know infertility is a part of me and always will be... but.... it is not me. I have infertility, but it does not have me. I am still a human being. A person with a huge heart willing to give love to those who are willing to accept it.

Acceptance & Change

It is taking some time, but slowly my heart is beginning to accept the inevitable. I am prepared to accept that there will likely be many more pregnancy announcements before I finally get pregnant. I may not like it, but people get pregnant... it's life. I have to remain focused on the things I can control in my life. Meanwhile, I'm having a real eye opener on who my true friends are. 

Unfortunately, I've learned that my online pals are more of friends than my "real life" friends most days. Since moving here, which is tremendously closer to friends and family than when we moved for my husband's work, I have had very few efforts on my friends' part to hang out. I get it... I talk a lot about my battles with infertility. However, I listen to them babble about the things consuming their lives whether it be work, school, or even the dreaded baby or pregnancy talk. I deleted Facebook, and it seems like everyone has forgotten I exist. I'm not trying to get a pity party- it's just really saddening to know that I have lost what few friends I thought I had. I guess I just have realized that I am in a limbo. My friends who aren't married aren't interested in hanging out with a married woman, and my married friends with kids don't want to hang out with the infertile woman. Then I think... I'm still going to be that infertile married person at heart even when I do get pregnant. 13 cycles (5 with ovulation) and 18 1/2 months down, and who knows how many more to go. A heart doesn't forget that. I am who I am, and I doubt this weary heart of mine will ever truly overcome infertility. If being a married infertile person means you don't want to be my friend, then I guess we might as well shut that door now.

Guess that song is true... You find out who your friends are. Thank goodness for my husband and sister to keep me going and remind me that they are the people in real life who will be by my side no matter what. They are my friends, and if that's all I got, I am more than happy to appreciate them. I am changing every day, but one thing will never change. I have faced the wrath of infertility, and I will always remember who didn't leave my side.

Updates

While I do plan on staying away from all the baby related stuff, I will likely offer up a weekly update on here. I don't want to fall completely off the face of the Earth. So here we go...This week I started my Provera as a result of not ovulating my last cycle with the medications. As soon as I start my new cycle, I'll be taking a double dose of the medications and hopefully will ovulate with the increased dosage. I will be doing ovulation tests and charting in hopes of catching a good egg. In the mean time, I intend on staying focused on other areas of my life. I've been doing well on my weight loss and hope to continue that as we trudge along into the next year. I am wrapping up the second half of my classes, and I'm doing great as always. That's one thing I can always count on... that and my amazing support system. My husband and sister are there for me through it all, and I cannot even begin to express how blessed I am to have them. I'm not exactly hopeful on our trying to conceive journey, but I am certainly with high hopes that I will continue to have all the love and support I need along the way. Until next time...

Taking a Break

I plan on taking a break from blogging and Baby Center. I cannot fathom the idea that I will be the last person to get pregnant. Damn near every person I started out with has gotten pregnant, and those who aren't are getting close. I'm glad they are getting pregnant, but right now, it's just too much for me. Good luck to anyone who is still trying, and congrats to anyone with a precious bean.

Adult Content

You may have noticed I updated my profile with a warning for adult content. Why, you might ask? Oh, because I want to do this... FUCK THIS SHIT!!!! I am seriously so mad right now. The medicine officially is not working this cycle. I didn't ovulate. My temperature is low, and honestly, so are my hopes. This is one of those days where I want to tell everyone to fuck off and go hide in a hole. Instead, I sucked it up. I even faced the public going shopping. At the same time, I'm still in a shitty place. I didn't ovulate even with medicine.... even with medicine which has proven to work in the past. This clinical trial can suck the big one! I'm ready to throw in the towel. I want a baby desperately, but today, I feel like maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom. Maybe I'm just not meant to have that precious miracle. Maybe.... just maybe... fate fuckin' hates me!

Home Sweet Home

After nearly a week, I am finally home sweet home! I went on a vacation with some of the women from my husband's family (his grandma, mom, aunt, and cousin), and of course, I dragged Mama J along too. We went to Sin City and remained as sinless as it comes. My sister and I were hardly drinkers, and we barely put in $25 in... together! It was a pleasant experience going to the strip in Vegas, a bunch of sweet museums, the Grand Canyon, and Hoover Dam. 

Quite frankly it was exactly what I needed. Not once since we started trying to have a baby have I really let it all go. I had very few thoughts about it, and I was pleasantly calm about it all. I had some rough experience with ovulating late, and I thought for sure I'd be focusing on it as normal. Even now, as I sit at home, I am pleasantly reminded of how cool it feels to just be okay with whatever happens. I'm in what I believe is the two week wait (believing since I didn't confirm ovulation), and I am feeling quite confident that everything will be okay. I have been a tad moody, but other than that, I don't really feel all the terrible things that normally come at this point. I am happy to say I am just going with the flow and enjoying this lull time in my cycle.

Just My Luck...

It's my pity party, and I'll cry if I want to. Yes, that should be my slogan. I've done really well without crying especially considering the medicines make me extremely emotional. I managed to go through the entire first day of our 19th month of trying without crying. It seems like the 15th of every month just hurts my heart, as it marks another month gone without success. Yesterday, I wish I could say the same. Some days it is just too much, and yesterday was one of those days. In addition to that, I am really worried about my appointment tomorrow. 

Before I can explain my frustrations, I need to give a little background information. After a woman ovulates, the follicle that released the egg is called a corpus luteum. It starts releasing progesterone which helps build up a nice and cushy uterine lining among other things. About seven days after the egg releases, the progesterone level peaks. It slowly begins to decline, and a week later, your period comes. If you are pregnant, it will maintain a higher level and continue to produce progesterone to support the pregnancy. The 14 days (approximately- mine is 16-18 days on medicated cycles) between ovulation and a period is called a luteal phase. Hence, the mid-luteal appointment I am going to tomorrow should be around 7 days after ovulation has occurred. Well... today or tomorrow is the day of ovulation.

This leads to my frustration. They base whether I ovulated or not on the progesterone and ultrasound. It is really hard to determine if ovulation has occurred through an ultrasound, and the progesterone level is not going to be nearly as high as it should be to indicate ovulation since I will have literally just ovulated. My biggest fear is that they will base their assumption of ovulation on this, and I'll be stuck trying to prove to them that I ovulated. Of course, it would be the cycle that I picked to take off of temping that I would have this happen. 

So here I sit. More stressed than I should be, and the whole point of me taking this month off was to be calm. Oh well... I guess that's just my luck. You have to take what you can get and just deal with it. Here's to hoping that I get my positive test this cycle, and I won't even have to deal with their crap! Oh.... Here's to hoping!