Day 4

Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.

1. IVF (not really material, but it would be my top wish list item!)
2. House in my current city- preferably a big one, so family can visit a lot.
3. New Car for me- the coolest minivan they make of course!
4. New Car for my husband to drive me around in- the coolest sports car!
5. Vacation home in the middle of the woods where no one can find us.
6. Vacation home in Hawaii.
7. Vacation home in Germany.
8. A ginormous diamond ring.
9. Season tickets to all the Detroit teams.
10. All the most expensive baby stuff on the market.

It took me awhile to figure out what would go on my list. I started working on this a few days ago, and I couldn’t get past #3. I am often so wrapped up in this baby making business that I forget to know what it feels like to dream for anything else in life.

Day 3 & Good News

Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?

Funny story behind that- I went to put on makeup a couple weeks ago, and I realized I don’t own any makeup anymore. I currently have one thing of eye shadow- that’s it! I am not much of a makeup person, but I was shocked I really didn’t have any makeup just in case. I keep thinking I'll buy makeup, but I really don't feel comfortable in it. I'm me... makeup free and happy with that. :-)

As for the good news... I am down 17.6 pounds since my peak weight at the end of April, and 14.2 of those pounds are lost since I revved up my efforts in November. I am elated that I am getting closer to my goal weight. I cannot express how exciting it is to finally see some results on the scale. I am really trying to make it a lifestyle change. So many times I've lost weight and put it all right back on. Of course, I love seeing the numbers go down, but I love even more that I am becoming a healthier me. I am doing it the best way I know- portion control. If I want a cookie, I will eat a cookie. However, I'm going to eat one or two cookies, not the entire package. Allowing myself those goodies while remaining responsible is a way to really get things under wraps for me. I have a goal weight that I want by my birthday at the end of June, and given my rate, I'm thinking it will be an attainable goal. I feel like if I continue it this way as a lifestyle change rather than a diet, I'll be much more successful. Here's to hoping this weight loss train will help me board the baby train!

Day 2 & Video

I'll start off with my Day 2 of my 30 Day Challenge. 

Day 2 - What's in your handbag?

Well, just about everything! This inspired me to clean out my purse. Some things I found were an old printer cartridge (I needed to know what kind to buy), a bag of coupons, eye drops, a bunch of receipts, our GPS device, and the oddest item…. Drum roll please…. You guessed it, a pregnancy test! Bahaha! I forgot I had gotten one when I went to my last trial appointment, and I never took it out! I guess I’ll keep it in there for emergencies when I suddenly have an urge to pee on a stick. ;-)

I also wanted to share a video. I can't post it directly on here, so I'll put the link. I was introduced to this video on my infertility grief support group, and I'd like to share it with anyone who is interested in seeing what it feels like to face infertility first hand. The emotions are almost to a T what I feel every day. Here it is: Tears & Hope Empty Arms Video

30 Day Blog Challenge

Today, I read on a fellow blogger's post about a 30 day challenge that has to do with both getting to know me and about our battle with infertility. I thought it was a great opportunity, so I'm going to try it. I might miss a day or two, but I'll just do it on my own pace (doubtful I'll make it in 30 days! lol). So here it goes... Day 1... 

Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?

When I first decided to blog, I was almost at a year of trying without success. I needed an outlet to express the ups and downs of PCOS and infertility. I’m not really sure how, but it just popped in my head and has stuck ever since. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll change it when I do get pregnant. I guess we’ll figure that out when we get there. ;-)

Here We Go....

Again! Today marks cycle day one, and I'm ready to get things going again. I've had a rough couple of weeks before this, so I'm eager to regain that hope once more. Every day I am praying for the strength and courage to keep on fighting this fight. I go back and forth so many times on how much hope I have. When I first started ovulating, I was on cloud nine just knowing it was going to happen. As we finished our fifth cycle with an egg, I was worried it might never happen even with an egg. Then, this last cycle without an egg really threw me for a loop. I am honestly scared to death I will never have a baby. I rarely have an egg, and when I do, it doesn't seem to meet with the sperm. I know it is not good to be a pessimistic, but it is so hard to remain hopeful. Even when everything is lined up perfectly, we still didn't get our baby. Now that things are not even close to being lined up, it seems damn near impossible. I know that I have to keep fighting because I'd never forgive myself if I gave up. I just wonder if all this hard work will ever pay off.

Making Amends

As much as I'd love to blame everything on everyone else (wouldn't we all?), I'm working on making amends with people. Somewhere along this road, I became a very hostile and angry person. I am trying so hard to remember the good in everyone. I read a quote today, "Even if you stumble, you're still moving forward." Every day I stumble a little more, but I hope it is in the right direction. I also read, "By changing nothing, nothing changes." I have to make change in my life- and that means in a positive way. Finally, "Getting over a painful experience is like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." I don't want to let go of my dream of having a baby, but I have to let go of every time someone hurt me. I have to let go of the failed cycles and move onto the next ones. I have to let myself open up, heal, and move on. I've been telling myself I was healing, but in all reality, I was just covering up the pain temporarily. Thus, I am sorry to anyone I may have hurt or offended along the way. I know infertility is a part of me and always will be... but.... it is not me. I have infertility, but it does not have me. I am still a human being. A person with a huge heart willing to give love to those who are willing to accept it.

Acceptance & Change

It is taking some time, but slowly my heart is beginning to accept the inevitable. I am prepared to accept that there will likely be many more pregnancy announcements before I finally get pregnant. I may not like it, but people get pregnant... it's life. I have to remain focused on the things I can control in my life. Meanwhile, I'm having a real eye opener on who my true friends are. 

Unfortunately, I've learned that my online pals are more of friends than my "real life" friends most days. Since moving here, which is tremendously closer to friends and family than when we moved for my husband's work, I have had very few efforts on my friends' part to hang out. I get it... I talk a lot about my battles with infertility. However, I listen to them babble about the things consuming their lives whether it be work, school, or even the dreaded baby or pregnancy talk. I deleted Facebook, and it seems like everyone has forgotten I exist. I'm not trying to get a pity party- it's just really saddening to know that I have lost what few friends I thought I had. I guess I just have realized that I am in a limbo. My friends who aren't married aren't interested in hanging out with a married woman, and my married friends with kids don't want to hang out with the infertile woman. Then I think... I'm still going to be that infertile married person at heart even when I do get pregnant. 13 cycles (5 with ovulation) and 18 1/2 months down, and who knows how many more to go. A heart doesn't forget that. I am who I am, and I doubt this weary heart of mine will ever truly overcome infertility. If being a married infertile person means you don't want to be my friend, then I guess we might as well shut that door now.

Guess that song is true... You find out who your friends are. Thank goodness for my husband and sister to keep me going and remind me that they are the people in real life who will be by my side no matter what. They are my friends, and if that's all I got, I am more than happy to appreciate them. I am changing every day, but one thing will never change. I have faced the wrath of infertility, and I will always remember who didn't leave my side.