Vent

Today is one of those days where I really need to vent. I need to vent about all those little things that are seriously driving me insane. Really, I feel like I need padded walls to bang my head on right now! ;-) In all seriousness, I am having a horrible day. Aunt Flo made her grand entrance. There was complete miscommunication and poor organization with the trial resulting in some major nonsense this afternoon. Is all of this worth the pain, or would it be better to just save for a year and do it without all the freebie bull crap? To top it all off, I'm just really cranky in general. I am trying very hard to remain calm and have a good day, but days like this really are hard to do that. I don't want to vent it all because honestly, I hate the idea of publicly airing my dissatisfaction in life right now. Instead, I think a perfect end to this would be a glass of wine and some cookies! Yep, sounds good to me!

Just a Little Updatin'

This week I am a little anxious because the hubby will be out of town for his business trip. The good news is that I have the J Fam coming to keep me company! I simply love spending time with Mama J, and she truly is my support system. Without her guidance, support, and love, I'd probably have thrown in the towel. And that isn't just for the fight against PCOS. She has been there to remind me that I can do it no matter how hard the struggle or what mountain I'll climb. She's right there holding my hand telling me it is worth it. Another great thing is that I get my kid fix. My J boys are a wonderful blessing, and I get so excited to spend time with them. I see them learn and grow. I see the changes in them and how they've grown up just a little more every time. Then I remember that we all have that growth. No matter how old we get, we are constantly learning and growing as people. After all, old people aren't full of wisdom without having something to learn and grow from. So here's to a new chapter. A new mountain. A new lesson. I am so blessed to have my husband and an amazing support group, and I'm prepared to face whatever life has to offer because ready or not, every day is a new challenge to be taken!

Advice

The other day I received some great advice. A friend who knows exactly what I'm going through and how it feels reminded me that while trying to have a baby is serious business, I cannot let it consume me. It is a part of my life- not my life entirely. 

I have to remember there are other things to enjoy. In example, today I had a great day just being a wife. I went and did a massive grocery shopping with a list in hand for all the ingredients we need. Yes, we laid out a menu of things we want for the next week, so I could prepare for them. Tonight I made yummy chili and cornbread muffins. Yesterday I made stuffed chicken breasts, buttery noodles, and super easy peanut butter cookies. I wouldn't call myself a chef, but I am enjoying this cooking. When I'm not cooking, cleaning, or doing homework, I try very hard to keep myself occupied. I've started back up with my exercise taking walks and doing yoga, and later when the husband is occupying the TV, I either read or work on my fleece blankets. The exercise seems to be paying off too since I've lost 5 pounds again.

I have learned that life can be enjoyable. I can truly be happy being a wife. Obviously being a mom is something I still desire, but being a wife is certainly something I shouldn't take for granted. To leave off, I'll give you my cookie recipe which really I found online somewhere. Be warned they are super peanut-buttery! :-) 

1 cup peanut butter

1 cup sugar

1 tbsp vanilla

1 egg

Mix it up, put them on the greased pan (it makes 1 dozen- perfect for us!), and bake for 10-12 minutes. I opted to put the hash marks with the fork, but in doing so they were kind of crispy. I imagine if I would have left them as the ball shape, they would have been a little softer as the original recipe suggested. Happy Cooking!

Hormonal Anyone?

Woah! Can anyone say hormonal? Yeah, that's me! I read that last post, and holy hormones, batman. ;-) I know that these fertility treatments can take a toll on me, but I really think I need to stop letting it get the best of me. Today I'm actually in a good mood, and I'm going to make it my goal to keep it that way. I have to go do laundry, so pray I don't experience any crazies that will throw this positive attitude thing out the window. lol On another note, things really are going well in my life. I am passing my classes with flying colors. My wonderful husband has been pleasant enough to not take any of my rude and hormone-fueled comments to heart. We are looking at houses to buy although we plan on waiting awhile since we are locked in this lease. It's still fun to look! I'm thinking I need to just take a chill pill and enjoy what life has to offer. Baby or no baby, this is life. It is only as good as I let it be.

When Exactly...

Did I become such a hostile and angry person? I can remember the feeling of happiness. Yes, it has been awhile, but I do remember how it feels. You know, that feeling where you just can't stop smiling, and life just seems to be going exactly how it should be. I'm pretty sure I haven't felt that feeling in far too long. Even on days when everything is going right, there is a void in my life. I love my husband so much, and I feel terrible that I am not the person he married. I am not that happy go lucky person who found the positive in life even when there was more negative to go around. Now, I'm just a pessimistic asshole who can't seem to accept the barren womb inside her. I seem to have this short fuse that is fueled by hormones. I am so fucking tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible wife. Even worse I'm tired of feeling like a horrible person in general. All those special moments for others are hindered by my jealousy and rage. I can't help but think there is something wrong with me beyond these ugly ovaries of mine. Would I really be that happy person again if I had a baby? Some days I wonder... and honestly, the longer we wait, the less I think I will ever go back to the person I was.

If Life Had a Remote

If life had a remote, oh what a happy person I would be.

Pause: Those moments where you see just how beautiful life is, and you want to soak it up for just a couple more seconds.

Stop: When you can't seem to figure out where you are going, and you need to take a break to figure things out.

Fast Forward: All those times when you understand the importance of something but just need it to be done already.

Record: All those special times that are worthy of experiencing another time.

Mute: Of all the buttons, this is the one I wish it had the most now. To opt not to listen to the things that drive me nuts and make me a person I don't want to be.

Going Down....

The number of cysts that is. Today at my mid-luteal appointment they did another ultrasound. My cysts were 55 and 80 the last time I had one just three weeks ago. Today I had 43 and 54. Not too bad considering where I'm coming from. Here's to hoping they were nice enough to make some room for a good follicle to release a plump and mature egg. We can only hope!