Story Time

Tuesday marks the end of another month, and we will be starting our 19th month of trying to have a baby. Then, the next day will mark 3 years since my husband proposed and asked me to be his wife. When I mentioned to him that it was coming up, he smirked and of course, the story of our proposal came up. He loves to pick on me with this one saying I was nosy. I always assure him, I already knew, so there was no point in being snoopy. In light of trying to keep things upbeat especially as we embark the second half of our second year trying, I will share our story. :-)

It was the first big snow of the year. We had some flurries before, but this was the first time it was coming down hard and wasn't melting away as it hit the ground. Now, I need to add some details before this blustery day came about. A couple weeks before, he decided he was going to go up north to see friends without me, and this of course, was my first sign. Then, I'm not kidding, while he was up there, he texted me asking what size ring I wore. If that doesn't give it away, I don't know what does. Of course, I was thrilled by what might come, and I was anxious that as the holidays were approaching, he might ask me. After all, knowing there's a ring doesn't mean we're engaged yet!

Back to that cold, snowy day. We were driving back from a nice dinner, and I decided to be a smarty pants. He absolutely hates when I play with his glove box, and being the turd I am, I decided to flip it open to annoy him. Much to my surprise, I see a Zales bag in there! I slammed it shut and just looked at him like oh my gosh I'm so sorry! He said, well you might as well open it up. I said I didn't want to, as I was still in shock of what I had just found. He whipped it open and threw the bag at me. Here's the kicker, there was no ring in there. It was in fact the pick up ticket for the special order. He said they had called him to say it was in, so we were driving up there to get it. 

At this time, I felt terrible- I had ruined (so I thought) the proposal! We passed our exit and continued to trudge along in the first snow watching people spin out and get stuck. I suggested we just go back, and he said no, we're getting it tonight. It was a long, quiet ride as we went along. We talked a little bit, but I just kept apologizing for ruining the moment. We finally made it up to the mall, and it hit me. We were sitting in the same parking lot we would meet in for our dates. He told me to wait there as he went in for it. I was sitting there reminiscing over the times we had met there and all the sweet moments we had shared. All of the sudden, and yes, I am totally serious here, our song came on the radio. As it eased into the chorus, "Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you, over again...." he joins me in the car. He opens the the box, and right there, as our song was playing in our favorite meeting spot, he asked me to be his wife. Immediately, I broke into tears saying yes. 

The point of this story is to say we have been through it all. We have had moments where things seemed to be going every way but the right way, but in the end, it was perfect. Sometimes I have to remember that even though we are facing hard times and things aren't going the way I want them to, we are on our way to where we should be. Every failed cycle is a new beginning, and one day, I will be sitting there holding a baby in my arms with my husband by my side knowing this was all worth it and exactly the right time.

Random Thoughts

Today I decided is a perfect opportunity to lay it all out there. Whatever is going through my head, I'm going to write it. In normal conversations, I express my opinions with tact and respect. With this blog post, you can just throw that tact out the window, and if you're easily offended, please look away. 

My first thought of the day was how am I ever going to handle another pregnancy announcement? With so many in recent months, I honestly can't imagine how I will respond to the next one. Yay for your pregnancy, but here I am, still infertile and without. It's not that other people being pregnant that makes me upset; it's that I'm not. If I were pregnant or in fact already had the baby given the amount of time I've been trying, I'd say good for you. Instead, I'm sitting here going WTF?! When is it my turn?

I reflect back to when I was in high school and first told having a baby would be a challenge. This is exactly what I feared. I put up that wall and told myself I didn't want a baby for this reason. Here I am, acknowledging by all means that I want a baby- I want it desperately. Now, I just have to face the fact that I knew this was coming. I knew that life was going to be hell if I wanted to fight this fight. 

And today, I am fighting this fight. Tact free and disrespectfully honest- I am fighting this fight!

Calm

Today I woke up on my own- no blasting alarm. Even with not going to work, I was waking up to an alarm at 8 am every day. Most times I would go back to sleep, but I had that alarm every morning. Today, like every day this week, I woke up on my own. I have shunned the alarm because with that alarm came taking my temperature. I've done away with the thermometer because I can't handle the stress that comes with it. In fact, I've done away with all of my trying to conceive crazy antics. I am not taking my temperature. I'm not taking ovulation tests. I'm not monitoring all those nitty gritty details. We are doing one thing- having sex. Yep, we're doing it the old fashioned way this time. I know when my fertile time is, so we're just bumping uglies until we can bump no more. ;-) In doing all this, I feel calm. I feel like this is what I needed. I know I am ovulating, and I'll have my doctor's appointment to prove it. Why go through all the stress of it when I don't have to? I got up on my own, did my fertility restoring yoga, and I did my homework. I was so calm that I didn't even stress for my first test of these classes- and whadya know, I got a 95% on it?!

Now, I am not saying I regret temping, and I'm certainly not saying I won't go back to it. In fact, I will probably do it again the cycle after we are done with treatments because I won't know the date when I ovulate. However, the one thing that these meds do is keep my cycle down to a T. I don't need a temperature rise or pee stick to tell me because I can read my body well enough. All the temping and testing did was stress me out. Here's to hoping that I can remain calm, enjoy the crazy amount of sex we'll be having, and have a good cycle. As they say at the end of my yoga... Namaste!

Why?

Well... I anticipated it. In fact, I really thought it would be a miracle if it was any other way than this. Our new insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments, and we are stuck paying everything out of pocket if this trial doesn't work out. Figures that just another thing doesn't go our way. Today is a day of whys. Why did I get stuck with this stupid PCOS? Why can't we get pregnant like everyone else does? Why can't the insurance cover the one thing we need it for? Why is life so damn unfair!?!?!

The Colors of Infertility

The Colors of Infertility

With each cycle, we face the deep red,
the color we inevitably have learned to dread. 

As can be expected with the cycle anew,
another lost chance, to feel so blue.

A new sign of hope as we see the light,
That bright yellow comes with such delight.

The new opportunity gives us the go,
We fly through the green- no time to slow.

As we come to a halt we courageously wait,
The violet mystery  faltering our fate.

Deep in our thoughts, yet another week,
the indigo anticipations feeling so bleak.

Hoping to finally see a second line,
a single pink streak, no baby of mine.

The dark clouds begin to bring the fear,
the black is coming, the end is near.

Alas, we wait for our crimson prison,
our infertile colors once more are risen.

Author: Yours Truly 

True Words

Every time I start writing a post I literally type out a few sentences and backspace. It usually takes me at least five tries before I settle with something. What I've noticed is that 9 times out of 10 it is because I am afraid of some kind of judgment in what I am writing. What started out as a genuine blog about a person trying to have a baby with PCOS is now being hindered by my fear of what others may feel. I want this blog to be completely genuine and showing the true misadventures of what it is like to face PCOS when you want a baby so desperately. Thus, I refuse to hold back my feelings any more. If someone is offended by my words or what I have to say, then so be it- Don't read it! This is the one place I can truly explain what it feels like to be infertile, and I have to let my true expressions out. Take it for what it is. If I feel bitter that day- I'm saying it. If I feel hopeful that day- I'm letting it out. If I just want to rant about whatever this misadventure has served up for me that day- I guess that's okay too. The point is- if you won't like what I have to say- please, I won't be offended- take a hike.

You Must Not Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, 

When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns, 

And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup, 

And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, 

And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown