Day 16

Day 16 - How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?

When we first started dating, we knew we wanted to have children despite the fact that it would be a difficult process. We established that we did not want to have a child out of wedlock because we are the traditional type. We did everything in our power not to get pregnant (pointless as I see now how easy it is for us to never get pregnant). However, we decided that since it would be a tough road, we’d try right away when we got married. Although I expected it to take a little longer, I never thought I’d be where I am today. Thank goodness we decided to start right away and were open about the possibilities. 

I asked my husband the other day when he thought we would have started trying had we not known it might be a struggle. He said we probably would have waited after a year of marriage. If I think in terms of when we really would have wanted to start (not expecting any issues), we are still within a good range. I'm just praying we get our 2012 pregnancy. We don't have to have the baby in 2012 since time is running out for that, but I'd love to finally see those two pink lines and a beating heart on the screen by this time next year. Sorry I went on a tangent, but being NYE, I thought I'd throw that in there. ;-)

Day 15

Day 15 - Show your favorite outfit or fashion pieces.

Well I don't have any good pictures of it... but my favorite outfit is simple just like me. I am a jeans and tee shirt kind of girl. If I can get away with dressing down, I will. My husband has seen me wear a dress twice- our wedding shower and our wedding day. That's probably going to stay true as long as it is still possible. :-)

Day 14

Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle. List the first 10 songs that play.

Well… sorry about the delay in posts! I've been super busy with the holidays, and spending time with my nephew. It is so fun to watch my husband interact and bond with him. Every time I see them hug or just play with cars together, I am reminded of how worth this process will be. 

As for the question of the day, I don’t have an Ipad or Ipod. I do have an MP3 player, but it only has Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, and my self-hypnosis track on it. I doubt that would be a valid display of all the music I enjoy. I like just about every type of music except really heavy metal or derogatory rap.

Merry Christmas

When I was about 10, my sisters and I made a dance to this song for my grandparents at our Christmas gathering. Today, while it still reminds me of that day when I brought tears to my grandfather's eyes, I have tears of my own thinking how truly real this song is to me. Those lyrics are my thoughts while I face this holiday season. I refuse to be a Scrooge in all ways, but in all reality, all I want for Christmas is you, Baby! I love you little one, and I can't wait to be blessed with you as our wonderful miracle one day! I will not lose hope because one day I will get the ultimate gift of bringing a new life into this world.

Day 13

Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.

1. Grey’s Anatomy & Private Practice
2. Teen Mom (yes, even us infertiles get wrapped up in baby mama drama on reality tv)
3. Sweets… candy, cookies, ice cream… yum!
4. Cuddling up to my husband after he’s already fallen asleep.
5. Spoiling my niece and nephews rotten, living vicariously through them.

Day 12

Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.

1. When people who don't understand infertility try to tell me how to get pregnant. I promise, it's not that easy when you have your ovaries working against you.
2. When people insist on driving in the left lane going slower than the speed limit. It is meant for passing people not pissing people off.
3. Leaving cupboard doors and drawers open. You opened them... now shut them, please.
4. Smoking in apartments… those vents really do go to other apartments. Take it outside please, and while you're at it, make sure your cigarette butts make it in an ash tray and not at the other person's balcony or window.
5. People who don’t appreciate the precious gifts they have in life. Try and remember that children are miracles who should never be taken for granted.

Day 11

Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?

1. Ovulate
2. Catch the egg
3. Have a healthy baby

Kind of cheating, but it’s true. I have a very satisfying life, and right now, the only thing missing is the baby.

Days Like This...

Are so tough. The holidays are fast approaching, and I feel so lonely. I have family and friends all around me, yet I feel like I'm standing here alone. I had heard the saying about feeling alone in a crowded room, and until this holiday season, I never truly knew that feeling. I decided to be in a good mood, turn on some Christmas jams, and make some fleece blankets. Every song made my heart ache for my baby. Every lyric some how connected to my lonely aching heart when they are intended for happiness. All I want for Christmas is you, Baby! I pray so often that this will be my last Christmas with this lonely ole heart of mine. 

I love my husband more than life itself, but I feel like this year, me and my ovaries are keeping him from having a truly happy holiday. I asked my husband what he wanted for Christmas. He said, "Nothing... well, one thing, and we're working on that one." All my husband and I want for Christmas is that miracle in life that so many take for granted. Gosh, I wish there was a way Santa was true, and he decided to be a stork this year. I wish there was a way for me to feel like life wasn't so unfair. I wish I could be celebrating this holiday with that third person. This is only our second year without our little one here, and already, I feel like life is just so unfair. I can't imagine how anyone can do this for years and years.

I know that this is supposed to be one of my 30 day challenge posts, but I felt it necessary to get this out. This is my outlet, and while the challenge keeps me busy, it certainly doesn't fill this void in my heart. Tomorrow I'm sure will be my next scheduled challenge post, but today, I needed this. I needed to let these feelings out. I needed to be okay with this emptiness and find that hope that one day Christmas will be a bustling holiday with children of our own.

Day 10

Day 10 - What is your favorite book?

As far as novels, I go back and forth between James Patterson and V.C. Andrews. I love any James Patterson book because it keeps me guessing the whole time. I like to read V.C. Andrews novels because she makes just about any person and their life look normal compared to her character. I also like the PCOS and Your Fertility because it helped me understand how my body works and how it impacts my fertility.

Day 9

Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.

1. Be a mommy to a miracle of life on Earth.
2. Maintain a job in the field I love.
3. Go to a foreign country.
4. Meet someone famous.
5. Be able to say I’ve done everything I could with what I had.

Wow... Day 8 & 100th Post!

Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.

Hmmm… my absolute dream vacation is to go to Germany. A majority of my ancestors are from there, and I’d love to experience where my family is from. I would also love to see my friend who lives there. Of course, while I’m there, I’d have lots of good eats and do major sight-seeing. 

I can't believe I am already on my 100th post! It feels like just yesterday that I started documenting my experience, and already, it is has been 8 months. It's kind of bitter sweet, but I'm excited I can share these moments. One day this journal will be something I can look back on, and I can remember why I tried for so long when I look at my child. 

Day 7

Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?

I like to grocery shop at the local fruit and meat market and Meijer, and I clothes shop at Deb, Target, & Kohl’s. Hobby Lobby is where I go for all my crafting goodies. My latest hobby has been the fleece blankets, so I love to clearance shop the fleece remnants to make fleece quilts.

Day 6

Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.

 

Whenever I look at photos from our wedding, I am reminded of just how blessed I am to have such an amazing husband. He is there for me through it all, and he makes me incredibly happy. I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am for him.

Day 5

List 15 facts about yourself.

1. I am a wife to an amazing husband.
2. I have PCOS.
3. I have been trying to have a baby with my husband since we got married in May 2010.
4. I am currently in a clinical trial to hopefully get pregnant.
5. I have a super supportive family in everything I do.
6. I am shy at first, but a big chatter box once I open up.
7. I take pride in my grades being on the President’s list a majority of the semesters in school.
8. I have a weakness for chocolate and cookies.
9. I enjoy spending nights curled up with my husband watching tv.
10. I love being an aunt!
11. I can’t wait to buy a house.
12. I am an emotional person, so I take a lot of things to heart.
13. I hate clothes shopping, but I’ll go shopping for tennis shoes or crafts any day.
14. I am a simple girl… meat & potatoes, jeans & tee kind of gal.
15. I am me! :-)

Day 4

Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.

1. IVF (not really material, but it would be my top wish list item!)
2. House in my current city- preferably a big one, so family can visit a lot.
3. New Car for me- the coolest minivan they make of course!
4. New Car for my husband to drive me around in- the coolest sports car!
5. Vacation home in the middle of the woods where no one can find us.
6. Vacation home in Hawaii.
7. Vacation home in Germany.
8. A ginormous diamond ring.
9. Season tickets to all the Detroit teams.
10. All the most expensive baby stuff on the market.

It took me awhile to figure out what would go on my list. I started working on this a few days ago, and I couldn’t get past #3. I am often so wrapped up in this baby making business that I forget to know what it feels like to dream for anything else in life.

Day 3 & Good News

Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?

Funny story behind that- I went to put on makeup a couple weeks ago, and I realized I don’t own any makeup anymore. I currently have one thing of eye shadow- that’s it! I am not much of a makeup person, but I was shocked I really didn’t have any makeup just in case. I keep thinking I'll buy makeup, but I really don't feel comfortable in it. I'm me... makeup free and happy with that. :-)

As for the good news... I am down 17.6 pounds since my peak weight at the end of April, and 14.2 of those pounds are lost since I revved up my efforts in November. I am elated that I am getting closer to my goal weight. I cannot express how exciting it is to finally see some results on the scale. I am really trying to make it a lifestyle change. So many times I've lost weight and put it all right back on. Of course, I love seeing the numbers go down, but I love even more that I am becoming a healthier me. I am doing it the best way I know- portion control. If I want a cookie, I will eat a cookie. However, I'm going to eat one or two cookies, not the entire package. Allowing myself those goodies while remaining responsible is a way to really get things under wraps for me. I have a goal weight that I want by my birthday at the end of June, and given my rate, I'm thinking it will be an attainable goal. I feel like if I continue it this way as a lifestyle change rather than a diet, I'll be much more successful. Here's to hoping this weight loss train will help me board the baby train!

Day 2 & Video

I'll start off with my Day 2 of my 30 Day Challenge. 

Day 2 - What's in your handbag?

Well, just about everything! This inspired me to clean out my purse. Some things I found were an old printer cartridge (I needed to know what kind to buy), a bag of coupons, eye drops, a bunch of receipts, our GPS device, and the oddest item…. Drum roll please…. You guessed it, a pregnancy test! Bahaha! I forgot I had gotten one when I went to my last trial appointment, and I never took it out! I guess I’ll keep it in there for emergencies when I suddenly have an urge to pee on a stick. ;-)

I also wanted to share a video. I can't post it directly on here, so I'll put the link. I was introduced to this video on my infertility grief support group, and I'd like to share it with anyone who is interested in seeing what it feels like to face infertility first hand. The emotions are almost to a T what I feel every day. Here it is: Tears & Hope Empty Arms Video

30 Day Blog Challenge

Today, I read on a fellow blogger's post about a 30 day challenge that has to do with both getting to know me and about our battle with infertility. I thought it was a great opportunity, so I'm going to try it. I might miss a day or two, but I'll just do it on my own pace (doubtful I'll make it in 30 days! lol). So here it goes... Day 1... 

Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?

When I first decided to blog, I was almost at a year of trying without success. I needed an outlet to express the ups and downs of PCOS and infertility. I’m not really sure how, but it just popped in my head and has stuck ever since. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll change it when I do get pregnant. I guess we’ll figure that out when we get there. ;-)

Here We Go....

Again! Today marks cycle day one, and I'm ready to get things going again. I've had a rough couple of weeks before this, so I'm eager to regain that hope once more. Every day I am praying for the strength and courage to keep on fighting this fight. I go back and forth so many times on how much hope I have. When I first started ovulating, I was on cloud nine just knowing it was going to happen. As we finished our fifth cycle with an egg, I was worried it might never happen even with an egg. Then, this last cycle without an egg really threw me for a loop. I am honestly scared to death I will never have a baby. I rarely have an egg, and when I do, it doesn't seem to meet with the sperm. I know it is not good to be a pessimistic, but it is so hard to remain hopeful. Even when everything is lined up perfectly, we still didn't get our baby. Now that things are not even close to being lined up, it seems damn near impossible. I know that I have to keep fighting because I'd never forgive myself if I gave up. I just wonder if all this hard work will ever pay off.

Making Amends

As much as I'd love to blame everything on everyone else (wouldn't we all?), I'm working on making amends with people. Somewhere along this road, I became a very hostile and angry person. I am trying so hard to remember the good in everyone. I read a quote today, "Even if you stumble, you're still moving forward." Every day I stumble a little more, but I hope it is in the right direction. I also read, "By changing nothing, nothing changes." I have to make change in my life- and that means in a positive way. Finally, "Getting over a painful experience is like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." I don't want to let go of my dream of having a baby, but I have to let go of every time someone hurt me. I have to let go of the failed cycles and move onto the next ones. I have to let myself open up, heal, and move on. I've been telling myself I was healing, but in all reality, I was just covering up the pain temporarily. Thus, I am sorry to anyone I may have hurt or offended along the way. I know infertility is a part of me and always will be... but.... it is not me. I have infertility, but it does not have me. I am still a human being. A person with a huge heart willing to give love to those who are willing to accept it.

Acceptance & Change

It is taking some time, but slowly my heart is beginning to accept the inevitable. I am prepared to accept that there will likely be many more pregnancy announcements before I finally get pregnant. I may not like it, but people get pregnant... it's life. I have to remain focused on the things I can control in my life. Meanwhile, I'm having a real eye opener on who my true friends are. 

Unfortunately, I've learned that my online pals are more of friends than my "real life" friends most days. Since moving here, which is tremendously closer to friends and family than when we moved for my husband's work, I have had very few efforts on my friends' part to hang out. I get it... I talk a lot about my battles with infertility. However, I listen to them babble about the things consuming their lives whether it be work, school, or even the dreaded baby or pregnancy talk. I deleted Facebook, and it seems like everyone has forgotten I exist. I'm not trying to get a pity party- it's just really saddening to know that I have lost what few friends I thought I had. I guess I just have realized that I am in a limbo. My friends who aren't married aren't interested in hanging out with a married woman, and my married friends with kids don't want to hang out with the infertile woman. Then I think... I'm still going to be that infertile married person at heart even when I do get pregnant. 13 cycles (5 with ovulation) and 18 1/2 months down, and who knows how many more to go. A heart doesn't forget that. I am who I am, and I doubt this weary heart of mine will ever truly overcome infertility. If being a married infertile person means you don't want to be my friend, then I guess we might as well shut that door now.

Guess that song is true... You find out who your friends are. Thank goodness for my husband and sister to keep me going and remind me that they are the people in real life who will be by my side no matter what. They are my friends, and if that's all I got, I am more than happy to appreciate them. I am changing every day, but one thing will never change. I have faced the wrath of infertility, and I will always remember who didn't leave my side.