Day 40

Day 40 - Does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your infertility journey? Have you found religion? Lost it? Does it affect what treatments you do?

I’ve always been a believer in God. I grew up going to church, and in my teen years, I found a real connection with my spirituality. Since graduating and moving from the church I grew up in, it’s been tough. However, I’ve maintained my beliefs, and I continue to pray to God. Since facing the infertility journey, my battles with religion have certainly been there. At first, I was angry. I was angry that God would let so many people have babies when they don’t even want them when we wanted one so bad and can’t have one. Then, I started realizing that God doesn’t do this. God didn’t give me PCOS. I know so many people who have said that not getting pregnant was part of God’s plan, and I have a hard time believing that. I feel like there is a path I will take in life, but I’m not so sure God wanted me to face this heart ache. I believe that one day I will look into my beautiful baby’s eyes and know I’m in the right place at the right time, but I’m not willing to accept that God made me suffer along the way to get to that point. As far as it affecting my treatments, it doesn’t. I have read that IUI and IVF are against some religions, but if it ever came to that point, I would do it in a heartbeat. If it is a sin to do everything I can to bring a healthy child in this world and be the best parent I can be, then I guess I’m a sinner. No judgment on anyone who feels differently- that’s my opinion, and you can have yours, too. Ultimately, I do feel I have a strong confidence in God and the power of prayer, but I also believe that PCOS is a medical condition that God would never wish upon me.

Day 39

Day 39 - What is your favorite infertility-related quote? It doesn’t have to be explicitly related to infertility, but one that means something to your personal journey.

I have quite a few with my favorite being the one listed at the top of my blog. “When the world says give up, hope whispers try one more time.” A close second is, “It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” My final favorite is, “You may not end up where you thought you’d be, but you’ll always end up where you’re meant to be."

When you face infertility, there are good days and bad days. Quotes like this remind me that in the end, anything is possible, and we will finally get our miracle. 

From Here to the Moon and Back

I love this song, and I thought I'd share! Dolly Parton sings this on Joyful Noise.

I could hold out my arms, say "I love you this much"
I could tell you how long I will long for your touch
How much and how far would I go to prove
The depth and the breadth of my love for you? 

From here to the moon and back
Who else in this world will love you like that?
Love everlasting, I promise you that
From here to the moon and back
From here to the moon and back

I want you to know you can always depend
On promises made and love without end
No need to wonder how faithful I'll be
Now and on into eternity

From here to the moon and back
Who else in this world will love you like that?
Forever and always, I'll be where you're at
From here to the moon and back

From here to the moon and back

I would blow you a kiss from the star where I sat
I would call out your name to echo through the vast
Thank heaven for you and to God, tip my hat
From here to the moon and back
And I'll spend forever just proving that fact
From here to the moon and back

Woah...

Hormonal much? Thanks Progesterone for making me so grumpy lately.... I guess ignore my pissy attitude. At least it means I ovulated!

Vent

I feel like I have little tolerance for bullshit lately. I swear it is like some people just spew bullshit out of their mouth like it is a job. Over time I have seen so many hypocrites, and it really bothers me. It seems I take notice to it more often now especially when it relates to something with my misadventure. I see all these people doing exactly what they promised they would NEVER do! It is frustrating because people swear they know what you are going through, feel those same feelings, and don't think twice to forget about how bad it sucked when those feelings are no longer relevant to them. I know I am rambling, but I just really needed to get this out. Let's just say, if you say you will or will not do something, please remember you are trouncing on your word. I will never, and I mean never, feel the same for these people when I see how little they acknowledge the promises they once made. Time to realize that just because you're living on cloud nine now doesn't mean that you were always there... I'm quite certain you were here sitting on cloud negative five praying you'd finally get float up to that cloud. Just because you're higher in your own damn clouds doesn't mean you're holier than thou! Here's a word of advice- remember what you tell people, and I sure fucking hope you have mouthwash for all the bullshit that's pouring out of your mouth lately! And if you think this is about you, maybe that’s a sign you need to consider what’s coming out of your mouth.

Dear Baby

Hi Baby. It's me, Mom. I just wanted to write you today. I've been thinking a lot about you and how much I want you to join us in this world. I don't have much to say... just that I love you, and I pray to meet you soon!

Love,

Mom

Day 38

Day 38 - Tell us about a pre-ttc pregnancy “scare.”

When my husband and I were just starting to be intimate (we were late bloomers, so we had been together for a while), we had a scare. However, as I look back, I think how silly it was that I thought I might be pregnant. I also think about how dumb my doctor was about it. I was taking the pill (albeit not as suggested at the same time every day, but still consistently every day). Plus we used condoms. One day it broke, and we went into panic mode. A few days later, I came down with a stomach bug. I was incredibly nauseated, and I felt warm. At the time, I thought being warmer meant possible pregnancy. Boy, was I naïve! Anyways, it had only been a few days since the incident, and I went to the doctor’s. He did a blood test, and he said it would be able to tell if I was or not. Really, doctor? You could tell that soon? Ugh, what a dumbass! It takes on average 10-14 days after conception to get a positive test because it doesn’t implant until 6-12 days after fertilization. Anyways, we clearly were not pregnant, and I was diagnosed with a stomach bug... surprise, surprise!

I wish I would have known how silly this was. As much as we were not ready to be parents, I cried my eyes out knowing I wasn’t. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and I feared I couldn’t have it. Just the thought of maybe having it was a blessing in my eyes. I called my husband, and he came home from work to hold me as I cried and mourned the loss of the child I may never have. Little did I know this would be one of the many times we’d do this... or maybe I did know this, and that’s why I was so upset? Nonetheless, whether it is planned or not, having the hope of a little one ripped from you is never an easy experience. I pray for the day we hug and embrace for the joy of a life being brought in instead of the constant loss of the baby we might not ever get.

Day 37

Day 37 - Tell us your funniest Clomid/Femara/Injectibles mood-swing story. If you don’t have one, tell us your funniest general infertility drug story.

My funniest mood swing one would be my first or second cycle with Clomid. I had horrible mood swings, and I can recall sarcastically saying that I hadn’t noticed any despite my doctor’s warnings after having a meltdown earlier about not knowing what to have for dinner. My husband just chuckled and said he didn’t notice any either. Another funny story was when it was summer, and I was having an awful time with the hot flashes. I was in Target, and I can remember telling my sister I wanted to rip my clothes off right there in the store because the hot flash was taking me over.

Despite some of the humor, there are times when the side effects are just too much. It is very difficult to have something come over you, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I was at the store with my husband, and the customer service was horrible. I could feel the mood swing coming, and I felt so helpless. I felt so out of control with these emotions taking me over. It’s moments like that where I can feel it coming and can’t do anything about it that I really feel like these meds have literally taken over my body and life.

Day 36

Day 36 - What are you MOST looking forward to about parenthood? 

I’m looking forward to the love. I can’t wait for the hugs and embrace only a mother can feel for her child. I yearn for the first time our child calls me mom or says they love me. I can’t wait to treasure the sweet moments when I get to see all the first times as a mom. I also can’t wait to see my husband as a father. He is such an amazing uncle, and I watch him interact with the kids. I know he will make an amazing daddy, and I pray every day that he will finally get that! The thing I’m most looking forward to being about parenthood... just finally being a parent. <3