Almost Time...

Only a couple more days, and I'll be at my first appointment for the clinical trial! I am so excited and nervous at the same time! Talk about some major anxiety! ;-) I just have this great feeling that we might finally get our little bean. I am supposed to do fasting after midnight- which ought to be interesting with an appointment at 10:30 and a bunch of chaotic traffic on the way. I've got some mixed thoughts on which medicine I would prefer.... not that it really matters since I won't actually know which one I had. I want to use Clomid because I know it made me ovulate. At the same time, I want to use Femara because it has less side effects, is said to be more effective, and might be better since I've had 3 cycles on Clomid already. I guess either way, I'll be better off than I am now with neither, right?

Why...

do I do this to myself? I am always reading facts, studies, and information. Fantastic to understand the disorder, but ugh, it makes me so damn nervous! Today I read a fact that with a regular pregnancy, the miscarriage rate is about 12%. However, those with PCOS have a 65% rate. Of all the things I fear, finally getting pregnant only to have it ripped away from me is my biggest. I have this terrible feeling that even when we do see two lines on a test, I will never get to feel the excitement. I'll have constant fear and unnerving feelings until I finally get to hold that baby. So why exactly do I read all these facts and get myself all nerved up? Yeah, I don't know either.

All in the Family

No... I'm not talking about the classic sitcom. We can thank what appears to be genetics for my PCOS. While there is no proof that there is a certain gene that causes it, there is research going into it. What researchers know right now is that there is a significant number of women who have PCOS that have family members who also had/have it. Additionally, if a woman's family has diabetes or early male baldness, her chances of PCOS are greater. I have identified that my father's side is likely where it comes from if it is in fact genetic. My second cousins have PCOS as well, and let's just say the men in the family usually aren't blessed with a full set of hair. Here's to hoping that by the time our child is old enough to start wanting children, they will have done enough research to know what causes it. I've offered myself up for any future clinical trials for PCOS related studies, so I can hopefully contribute to the greater understanding.

MIA

I just thought I'd give my loyal readers (um, yes, even if imaginary, I do believe they exist! lol) a heads up that I am going to be missing in action for a bit. After the ever dreadful arrival of the bitch Aunt Flo this afternoon, I'm going to be spending some time in my angry red dome! No, in all seriousness, I'm actually going to be spending some quality time with my J babies and Mama J! :-) I am looking forward to living vicariously through my nephews. If I can't have a little one of my own right now I'm going to spoil them rotten!!!! We have a busy couple of days planned. Tonight, I have to clean up the house and get it kiddie-proofed. Uncle Pug's new computer will be relocated to the bedroom! Tomorrow I'm heading down to pick them up, and we get to spend the whole day and night together. Thursday we are having some more quality spoiling time, and then we have J Baby Daddy (haha I just made that one up!) in a Figure 8 at the fair. 

If nothing else, I'll be enjoying the next few days with family, even if we do have an uninvited visitor as well! And yes... that means Aunt Flo, not the J Fam!

Mark Your Calendars....

Okay, maybe not yours, but mine will be! September 1st I have my first appointment with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) with the clinical trial. I'm super excited for a couple reasons. The first is that I've always been too cheap to see an RE which is basically an OB/GYN who specializes in fertility treatments. Secondly, this means that we can finally get 5 rounds of free treatments!! Finally, we might actually have a baby in 2012!!!! 

In the midst of all this excitement, I am terrified and nervous. I will have to undergo several tests- some of which I have heard hurt like hell. I'm also nervous that even after all these treatments, we'll still come out without a baby and feel really broken. Finally, as much as I want a baby (which is more than I can ever express), I'd be crazy if I didn't say that actually having one doesn't make me a little nervous. All this hype on something- actually having it happen is a bit unnerving. 

Of course, after all is said and done, I am just plain ready. I'm ready to go for this next step. I'm ready to throw in everything I have. And of course, I'm ready to be a MOM!

Quotes

Alright, alright. You can kick me now for being such a dork. After 15 months of trying to have a kid, can you blame me for what I am about to say? ... I love looking at baby stuff. I constantly plan out my nursery, pick out items I will add to my must-have list, and look at brand new items that I hope will be clearance by the time I get to buy them. I swear, all this rambling is a point. While perusing online for baby decor (of course!), I found a few sayings that I just love. While I may not be purchasing the decor items with these phrases, I certainly may be using them for something like a scrapbook. Here's a few of the sayings I like:

*"First we had each other. Then we had you. Now we have everything."

*"Every child is a story yet to be told."

*"All because two people fell in love..."

*"Such a big miracle in such a little boy/girl."

*"Angels danced the day you were born."

*"Some people dream of angels. I hold one in my arms."

*"The smallest things take up the most room in the heart."

Today...

... is one of those days where I'm thinking I will have little tolerance for ignorance or stupidity. This might be dangerous since I'll be working customer service tonight... watch out innocent dumb people! That is all. :-)

Registration Complete

I am seriously so excited... no, I'm not pregnant. Well, not that I know of. ;-) I am officially registered at the university to start the clinical trial. I have to scan over some documents and release forms, and then we are finally going to get our preliminary appointment. I really thought those two months were going to drag, but they were here before we knew it. I have this great sense of confidence that all will be just fine. If I can ovulate on my own, these fertility medications are just going to give us that extra boost we need. I have been doing some extra research on the two medications, and somehow I even managed to squeeze it into my statistics homework. Who knew I could get the information I needed all while doing homework? July was a hard month for me which many of you probably realized with my somewhat depressing posts on here. I am so hopeful that we are finally to the point where we can get a bean to sprout. I just hope that the preliminary appointment goes well, and we can finally get enrolled in the actual treatments. I was getting awfully annoyed with fate and why it was taking us so long to get where we needed to be, but only time will tell why we are traveling this road.

Time for Celebration

In my many months of trying to have a little one all while battling PCOS, I never had felt true hope. I knew it could happen eventually, but I just didn't see how it was going to happen at that time. Today, I feel differently. I do have hope. I have an incredible amount of hope that we are exactly where we need to be. My husband has a spectacular job that he seems to truly enjoy, I am going to be finishing school in 8 months, and we are living close to family. It doesn't get much better than that. Oh wait.... yes it does! All I've got to say is this lady right here has an egg! Why is this such a great thing and different from the last times? I did it on my own. Yes, that's right. No medicine or treatments. It was a dreadful experience with my hormones everywhere but where they should be, but in the end, we have ourselves an egg. Now here's to hoping we catch it! :-)

The Race

All I've got to say is... wow! You think someone can't stoop any lower, and then they throw in a low blow right to the gut. As crazy as this sounds, a brutal and down right mean statement that was said has really given me the inspiration to give it my all and get my baby. I never thought I'd have to "race" someone to the finish line, surely never thinking that having a baby would be a competition. All I have to say is that while I don't wish infertility upon anyone, sometimes I do wish they could live a day in our shoes. It isn't all glitter and unicorns when it comes to getting pregnant, and I wish people could see that before they struggle. I'll be honest in saying that I didn't really understand the pain and hurt, but I certainly wasn't telling people I hoped I would have a kid before them. I told my husband what was said, and to be honest, I don't want to repeat it or post it on here because it was just that mean. However, when I told him, he simply replied, "Ugh, I don't care how long it takes- I just want our baby!" I was relieved to know that he was right there beside me in it for the long haul. And later, he added, "And when we get pregnant, I'll look at them and yell we're first!"