Get Ready Folks...

I have my baseline appointment scheduled for Friday, and let's just say I am seriously excited! It's funny as I go back and read my past blogs. As I think about the ups and downs of this misadventure and where it has taken me. I went from not having a period at all to now having it induced two times making it come three times in the time I normally went without one at all. When it comes down to it, I'm so ready for it. I'm ready for the side effects, daily logs, taking tons and tons of ovulation and pregnancy tests, getting ultrasounds all the time... I'm ready. As we get closer to our opportunity of getting pregnant, I still wonder what I will do if I finally get to see those two lines. I imagine that my missing posts will be a warning sign. I also imagine that if I randomly switch gears to talk about something other than the treatments, I might warrant some suspicions as well. Every time I do medicated cycles I question where to go from there. I know that every person who reads this is probably supportive, but as Mama J says- are some people supportive and there for you or just being nosy?

Welcomed Visitor

It's not often I can say this, but I finally welcomed Aunt Flo today! :-) This means that within five days, I will have my next appointment and get to start treatments again! YAY! Today I stocked up on lots of feminine products, and as many of us PCOS'ers or even just those trying to conceive know, we pray it is the last time we have to buy any for awhile. I also am on my favorite antibiotic. A favorite you ask? Oh, well it's my favorite because it always works for me. Here's to hoping that in the next few days I will be starting Mystery Drug, feeling better for my ears, and getting things ready for some baby making! 

Sick and Tired...

Of being sick and tired. I have been battling a double ear infection and what appears to be bronchitis for over a week now. I am prone to ear infections, so once our insurance kicks in, I plan on going to an ENT doctor. The last thing I need is to be deaf by forty! Meanwhile, I had my last day at work which has been nice considering I feel like a train wreck. At the same time, I feel like a worthless turd because I haven't done much around the house. I can say I did my homework which is more than I wanted to do. 

This week hopefully Aunt Flo will show, so we can get this thing going. I am anticipating it to be tomorrow afternoon. I kept thinking it would be today, but when I looked at the calendar, I realized I was a day ahead based on last time I took Provera. Then it is finally Mystery Drug time! As we ease closer, I am getting that much more excited! I can't wait to finally get my first round started. I feel like this is exactly where we are supposed to be.

And a quote that makes sense of it all....
♥ You may not end up where you thought you'd be, but you always end up where you're meant to be. ♥

Hmph!

Alright, this is one of those posts where I'm happy, sad, and just a little bit disappointed. Today I got a positive OPK. That should be fantastic news considering a) it's cycle day 16 which is earlier by 2 days and b) I have a bajillion cysts they swore would keep me from ovulating. Here's the sad part- I'm taking Provera, and it pretty much throws my egg down the tube. The disappointment comes in because this is the second time I've had an egg, and my doctor won't see the fact that it wasn't just the rebound effect. Yes, it might have been the first cycle, but I really think that after 3 times, it's more than that. Now I've wasted two eggs, and it's really bothering me that those could have been the lucky one! 

I am reminded that even with this beautiful ovulation test that will essentially mean nothing, I am doing it on my own. Of course, there's no confirmation considering I didn't do my temping this cycle, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I know what my body is doing. If I didn't, I wouldn't have the sudden urge to pee on sticks to confirm my suspicions. I guess as Mama J says... this is a good thing. It means that I'm ovulating on my own, and that the meds will just be that extra boost we need. Now here's to hoping it's not too much of a boost, and we get just one healthy egg. :-)

I'm So Thankful For....

The beloved "hide" option for my FB news feed. *Adult language alert* Two more people on my friends list just announced they are pregnant, and let's just say I cannot handle it. I also can't be a big enough asshole to just delete them, so I improvise and hide them. I'm sorry, but I just can't do it. Congrats whether it is accidental or planned, but I personally cannot face the fact that these women are pregnant and I'm not. It would be different if I knew these people knew my struggles (which there are two pregnant people who are currently not blocked for that reason), but most pregnant women just don't get it. Don't complain about your hormones, back pain, possibility of having twins, etc. I don't want to f*cking hear about it! And if I had the balls to do it, you'd be off my damn friends list simply for the fact that you should be celebrating these symptoms not bitching about them. 

As you can tell, infertility has gotten the best of me yet again. I am at my wits end. I should be so happy right now. I should be excited about starting treatments again. I should be eager to get this ball rolling with the possibility of getting pregnant within reach once more. Instead, I'm sitting here jealous of these inconsiderate bitches who fail to see the blessings they have.

Good Laugh Hitting Home

Even though not getting pregnant is very serious, I have to find humor in life. In turn, I have found the following videos that make me laugh. In the end, I know that I am not alone in this battle.

My favorite line is, "And my cervical mucus is as thick as peanut butter," as the husband eats peanut butter and gets grossed out. All too familiar reaction.

Flowers For...

Having a clean yoohoo! Yes, my sweet husband did say this. ;-) I did tell him I prefer the term "clear" rather than "clean" since I'm hoping my yoohoo is always clean. lol I had called telling him the test had gone great, and I was going to be resting since I was still in some pain. He came home with candy and flowers- it was the best day ever! I still get this big smile on my face whenever I pass them. Even with all the pain, I was given rays of sunshine, beautiful bubbles, and roses to remind me life is good even if it isn't where I thought I'd be. 

Yeah.... What She Said!!!!

“Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry

Holy Ouch!

Well today I got the sonohysterogram... yep, just another reason I am so NOT going all natural when we have a baby! lol We arrived about five minutes early only to sit in the waiting room for an hour. After we were finally in the room, they explained that the doctor was late coming back from surgery leaving the office scrambling trying to find another doctor in the office to do the procedure. We did the preliminary ultrasound doing a bunch of measurements, and the ultrasound tech kept counting. First she told the nurse to write down 42 and then 54. I had an inkling on what she was counting, but I wasn't positive. When the doctor came in, I asked him what it was. Sure enough- I have 42 cysts on my left ovary and 54 on my right!! Yikes! We got the show on the road doing a standard exam with the SHG following right behind.

It started like a normal exam with the speculum, but holy OUCH when he put in the catheter. Let me tell you- when your cervix is closed, don't try and open it up! He did tell me it was pretty high up which explains why I can't find mine. lol Anyways, once he got it in there he expanded the balloon letting the speculum out. He inserted some saline which hurt a little bit- kind of like menstrual cramps. He took a picture of my uterus telling me it was beautiful, which I thanked him for such an awesome compliment. He assured me that once we do get pregnant, it will make a lovely home for baby! Then we looked at the ovaries again and then to the tubes. It was so neat how he let us watch the screen. When the saline went into the tubes I saw bubbles in there which really looked like glitter and rays of sunshine. Mama J said it was God telling me everything was going to be just fine- and to be honest, I have to agree. He could tell my tubes were open, but once we saw those bubbles, boy I was excited! I was in pain from the saline being gushed in there, but I couldn't stop smiling! 

So here we are... I am expecting an email either tomorrow or Monday letting me know when to start the Provera again. Yes, that means I will have stupid Aunt Flo three times in less that two months, but I'll take it. That means that it could be as soon as ten days that we will officially start treatments! I just keep telling Mama J- it's not an if anymore. It's a when we have a baby!!!! Now I'm going to watch a movie, cuddle up with my husband, and take some much needed Ibuprofen. 

This pain- it's worth it. Today- is a good day. 2012- is our year!

Pregnant Women Are Smug

LOVE this video! And when I get pregnant, um yes, I will be smug! lol

This week...

marks the end of the 16th month of trying to have a baby. In fact, the test to see if my tubes are clear will be the first day of our 17th month. What makes it even more unfair is that instead of being excited to know I have been married to my dear husband for 16 months, I think about how it marks 16 months of unsuccessful efforts in trying to conceive. A friend of mine starting trying to have a baby a month or two before me. She just posted that she was getting her son's 6 month pictures done. Nothing like a stab in the gut to read that. No offense to her as she is more than welcome to post happy things about her happy life with her happy kid. It's just a real eye-opener to know just how long we have been trying and unhappily being reminded it isn't happening. 

My husband keeps telling me to remain positive. He's got that outlook in life where he knows everything will happen when it's meant to be. Me, on the other hand, I'm frantically holding onto what seems impossible praying it will one day become a reality. This week I've also decided to truly make our spare bedroom a guest bedroom. I have had enough of looking at a closed door to an empty room with a rocking chair and book shelf. I will be putting up the futon, cleaning out the closet, and keeping the door open.

Anatomy 101

Alright ladies & gents. Back to the anatomy class. We learned about the ovaries and uterus. This week we are going to zoom in on the fallopian tubes. Why? Because I want to! No, really because that's what's on my mind right now. I have one test keeping me from being in that trial, and it has to do with the fallopian tubes. There are two fallopian tubes that connect the uterus to the ovaries both about 10 cm or close to 4 inches long. They are about the width of a regular spaghetti noodle. Gross comparing my inner parts to food, but really, it's the best I can do! ;-) There are little "hairs" on the insides called cilia that help push the egg (both fertilized and unfertilized) along, and provides nutrients until it makes its way to the uterus.

When I go in for my test, they will be making sure my tubes are nice and clear. This means that the egg can successfully make its way from the ovary to the uterus without any blockages. Here's to hoping we can get the okay that the tubes are just fine, and we can continue to focus on getting those pesky little ovaries to do their job!

I Do Like

As promised, the "Do Like" post! ;-)

1. I do like... feeling excited and hopeful every time we ovulate!

2. I do like... the tremendous amount of support I have gotten from family and friends. It makes the misadventures a little less painful.

3. I do like... feeling educated. It is amusing when doctors think I have a medical background. :-)

4. I do like... my desire to be a mom. Not all women have it, and I know that when I do have children, I will give it my all.

5. I do like... that we started "young" when everyone said we had time. When we first started trying, people would ask why so early. Now people who don't know we're trying ask when we are going to start. It's a funny thing, really. ;-)

I Don't Like...

I read this somewhere online, and I thought I'd share my "I Do Not Like" list. Similar to my will-not list, this is not intended to be offensive. It is intended to be educational and perhaps a bit amusing.

1. I do not like... feeling like a robot in the baby-making room. Although we are doing it way more often than before trying, I almost feel like quality overpowers quantity in this department. 'Nuff said.

2. I do not like... feeling so jealous. Today I watched as a bunch of my friends posted on their wall pictures of their children's first day at school. I felt like someone was ripping my heart out as those feelings of jealousy came, and I was reminded I may never see that day of my own.

3. I do not like... watching a soap opera live performance at the laundry mat debuting teen mom, douche bag boyfriend, psycho grandmother, and poor little toddler confused in all the maddness.

4. I do not like... tweezing chin and mustache hairs every morning. I dislike it even more when I forget and see it in the mirror in a public place with no tweezers on hand!

5. I do not like... sitting here shoving my face full of Oatmeal Cream Pies typing this blog instead of working out. Oh, wait... yes I do. It's the fatness that comes from it that I don't like.

Tomorrow's Feature: I DO LIKE! :-) Stay tuned!

When it finally happens...

I do NOT plan on announcing my pregnancy on here or FB. Why? Because as much as I love everyone to know we were successful, I still have that statistic of miscarriage to be concerned about. Not to say that we wouldn't think people are supportive, but I don't want to have to announce a miscarriage. It's bad enough to go through it, but to have to publish it is just not something I can put myself through. I may write about it after the fact, but that is something I will decide at a later date if necessary. 

The point I'm making is, do not ask me if I'm pregnant. Do not ask me if we were successful. Do no assume I was or wasn't. When the time is right, I will reveal the results. That is all.

Check, check, check....

Well, the we can mark a lot of things off our check list... we are officially on our way to successful fertility treatments. I am going to be getting a test done, which we were supposed to have done a long time ago but couldn't afford it. Then, we finally get to start treatments with either Clomid or Femara. The doctor and nurse gave me so much information about the study and what to expect. My RE is absolutely wonderful and has a personal connection with PCOS which makes it that much easier to work with him. My guess is that we will start our first treatment at the start of October which means that some time by the end of February we will have hopefully gotten pregnant.