How do you want your eggs?

I love my family. I especially love that I can talk about my battle with pcos and infertility without worrying it will offend them or make a conversation awkward. We were at a restaurant and the waiter asked someone at a table near by how the person wanted their eggs. I quietly chuckled and said to my sister, "I'll take an egg from my ovary," to which she replied, "Yes, fertilized eggs for you, please." It still makes me chuckle when I think about it. Mama J, thank you for being such an amazing sister and getting me through these days. Humor and laughter are the best medicines for a broken heart. I love you Mama J!!

Quit Cutting in Line

I remember one day I came home with a cute little line I had learned from school, "No cuts, no butts, no monkey nuts." I said it to my sister, and she was astonished I said such a naughty thing being the little goody-goody I was. Well I don't care if it's naughty or not, I'm about to yell this phrase at the next person who cuts in line and gets pregnant before me. It's my turn damnit! In all actuality, I can't be mad at the person who is pregnant. Most of the time, they will be great parents and will offer the child a great life. The next question is if I can't be mad at them, where do I put all this anger? Who's to blame? Mother Nature? God? Devil? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I'm really understanding patience is a virtue, and until it's my time, I'm going to continue to vent my heart out on this blog to get all this anger, envy, jealousy, and any other feeling I get every time someone cuts in line.

I Would Die For That

Please watch this video... if you ever want to know how I feel on the days where infertility has gotten the best of me, this is your opportunity. Much love & hope sent to every couple facing these dark days. <3 And  huge thank you to anyone who takes the time to watch this.

Haven't Met You Yet

Today I heard Michael Buble's song Haven't Met You Yet on the radio for the hundredth time... yet I still smile and get tears in my eyes as I listen. The truth is that the song is probably about finding a spouse, but I just can't help but think about it in terms of a baby. It starts out talking about heart break which I seem to have the constant reminder of every month when I start all over again. The song continues with the line that I absolutely love, "I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing, And the other half's luck. Wherever you are. Whenever it's right. You'll come out of nowhere and into my life." Isn't that the truth?! We have to time it just right, but even if we do, it's really just a luck of the draw to see if our bean has sprout. I have to remember that even if I have to wait, no matter how much planning I do... it'll happen when we least expect it. To top it off, the chorus repeats, "But somehow I know that it'll all turn out. And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out. And I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get. I just haven't met you yet." Well baby, I promise you that I will give you everything and more... I love you more than life itself- I just haven't met you yet! Even when I am down and out, this song really does inspire me. One day, somehow, I'll finally get to meet my precious little baby!

My Secret Plan

When I was younger, I used to tell everyone I didn't want to get married or have kids. Ask anyone who knew me through high school, and I guarantee they heard it come out of my mouth at least once. Here's the secret.... I was afraid. When I was told I had cysts, there was a mention that I may not be able to have kids. Even at a young age, I took this very seriously and thought about it for a very long time. I'm not sure why, but I'm a planner for all things. I decided that I was going to plan my future to protect myself and others. I didn't want to marry anyone just in case they wanted kids. And of course, I lied to myself and everyone else that I didn't want kids either because I was terrified of the let down in not being able to have any. Then I met my husband. I remember talking to him and a couple other people about my nephews and niece, and he asked me if I wanted kids of my own. I quickly said no to which he gave me the most astonished look. Later I revealed to him that it might not be that I don't want them but that I can't have them. When we started getting serious in our relationship, he asked me again if I wanted children. Absolutely smitten and in love with this man, I knew I wanted to start a family with him. I admitted my fears, and he assured me that if we were to get married, even through other means such as adoption, we would have a family. Until I stumbled upon a man worth risking it all, I was set against getting my heart broken. Now as I get the monthly let down, I am often reminded of why we are doing this. I want a baby. Not just a baby, but our baby. And the let down will be worth the joy a child will bring in our life.

Fact or Myth

I was saying today that I should really have some kind of degree with all the knowledge I have gained about the female anatomy and the process of conceiving babies. It has to be some kind of miracle any of us are here since out of the many thousand sperm, only four or five actually reach the point of meeting the egg.... if you're lucky. And I swear, if one more person asks me if I stand on my head after sex, I may be compelled to high five their face. Most of the sperm have released into the uterus within 10 minutes thanks to the upward sloping. No need to do any gymnastics to get those boys swimming... nature has already done that work for them. What's even funnier... as I was perusing the internet tonight, I found myself laughing at certain sites as I shook my head thinking people might believe this stuff. Some of the things are nonsense like doing the head stand, but other myths out there on the web are untrue and quite disturbing. If I can give any sort of advice to someone facing PCOS or any disorder for that matter, please do your research. Google may be a good reference to start, but don't believe it just because one website said so. Oh, and just so you all know... anyone can update the wiki pages, so unless you want to put your ovaries in the hand of some moron with a computer, leave it to your doctor and serious research to give you the true facts.

Symptom List

Have you ever looked at a symptom list when you are told you have a disorder or you may even think on your own you have one? Chances are that only a few of the things on the list will make you think, hmm maybe I have that. Well, today I looked at a list of symptoms of PCOS. Out of 12 things on that list, I have 11. I just keep thinking.... man, that sucks! Although the most dreadful symptom is infertility based on not ovulating on my own, there are so many other symptoms that are pretty high in the ranks of suckage. Exhibit A: Hirsutism- the excess growth of hair on face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes. Oh, is that why I've been tweezing chin hairs since I was in middle school?! Exhibit B: Sleep Apnea- one of the many disorders I was diagnosed with that nobody made the connection with PCOS. I am so sick and tired of all these symptoms... but even more frustrating is that I can't do anything about it, and I don't have competent doctors who can connect the dots. Granted, I've gone in complaining about these things at separate times, but you'd think that if you look at a chart with all these things on it, the doctor would be able to figure out they were interrelated. I know I've posted before in all the misdiagnosed issues I've had in the past, but it still baffles me. How can I have 11 of the 12 symptoms, yet nobody seemed to link them together.

Out of the Closet

This week I made it official. I posted this blog on my FB page for all my family and friends to see. I have decided that infertility is not something I should be ashamed about. I am so tired of everyone asking when we are going to have a kid. I want to yell at them that I will as soon as my ovaries work right, but I bite my tongue. Instead, I now have a different response. I tell the truth in a polite manner. I say that we have been trying since we got married, and I have fertility issues. Most of the time it keeps the people who care informed and others who don't from asking again. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one for bragging or wanting sympathy which is what I was concerned people might think if I posted it. However, I felt it was time to open the closet door and come out. There's no use in hiding behind closed doors fighting this battle alone. I've opened up more to my closer friends and family giving details, and I'm not afraid to talk about it when people ask. Even if the point of someone asking me is to have something to gossip about I like knowing they at least have their facts right. 

My next step is to teach people how to talk about infertility. Although it is not life-threatening, treat it as a medical condition like you would any other. There are some key things that you should never say to someone battling infertility. Here are a few I'm particularly sensitive about: 

*You're so young... you have plenty of time! Thanks for the update on how old I am. I'm well aware of it, and if it continues at this pace, I'm going to need this time to try.

*Just relax... it takes time. Yes, I know it takes time. However, relaxation doesn't cure a disease, and my time is overdue. The average couple can take six months or occasionally up to a year- we are going on fourteen months with only 3 eggs in that time.

*Enjoy your sleep... want to borrow my kids? Um, no... if I wanted to borrow someone's kids, I'd go be a nanny. And sleep? Is that all I have to give up to be a mom? Okay, take it... it's yours. Now give me my baby!

Instead of saying the above things, please say this: 

*You'll  be a great mom one day. Don't act like my infertility is a life time sentence without kids, but don't underplay it either. I will be a mother one day. In fact, I'm more of a mom now than many people are when they have kids.

*I'm praying for you. Thank you! Any prayers or positive thoughts are welcome. :-)

*I'm here if you need to talk. Infertility is a very taboo subject. It's okay to talk about blood sugar levels and chemo treatments, but the second I say anything about my eggs or fertility treatments, it gets awkward for the other person. So really, if you aren't some how offended in a discussion about eggs, periods, or fertility treatments, I'd love to borrow your ear and ramble about it all day long.

Egg Donation

I've been thinking lately about egg donations. While I'm certainly not at the point in our trying to want to find others' eggs, I am considering the further future. If everything pans out, and we finally get our little one, I want to do something even bigger with my life. I want to donate my eggs. I know it sounds insane to know that I could have a little me somewhere in this world without ever knowing them, but I know the pain and hurt of not having a baby. I know what it feels like as the dagger sinks in as you watch everyone around you have babies while you can't. If I could possibly make someone's life easier by giving them an egg, I really think it would be a gratifying experience. If I was going to ever give someone the opportunity to raise a child that was technically half me, I would want it to be for someone who I know will be a good parent. Call me crazy, but when people spend that much time, effort, and money on having a child, chances are they will certainly be worthy of raising a child with my DNA. Which leaves me with my poll this week. Would you ever donate your egg or sperm?

Letter to Baby

Dear Baby,

This is your mommy talking. Yes, the crazy, overprotective, unrealistic, nagging mommy that talks to you even though you aren't physically in my hands. One day, and yes, I know there will be the day, I will get to read you this letter. Until then, it shall wait for you. 

We got a new place- a perfect bedroom just waiting for you. We haven't put anything in there because we know we will need that room for you. There are two permanent things in there waiting for you. We have your rocking chair that mommy plans on singing and rocking you to sleep in every night. Yes, I know my dear, my voice is a bit out of tune, but you'll love it as I love you. We have a bookshelf currently filled with plenty of books from mommy's school, but trust us, we'll be replacing those with nursery rhymes and story books as soon as you come. I have a special book on the shelf waiting for you. It's the Bible Grandma read to Mommy when she was a baby. I know in my heart, God has a place for you on this Earth. When He feels we are ready, I am eagerly waiting to get everything ready for you. 

Until you come, I'll be here... sitting in the rocking chair, humming and reading the Bible stories. 

Love,

Mommy

Quote

Today I was reading quotes online, and I came upon one that said, "A baby fills a place in your heart you never knew was empty." Until I so desperately wanted a baby, I probably would have agreed. Now I know there is an empty spot in my heart that a baby will fill. It aches to give love to my future child. When I married my soul mate, I knew I wanted to have a child with him. I wanted to create a life to bind us forever and bring us the joy and completion to our family. Inside this weary heart of mine, I have found a little nestling hole. Deep inside this hole is the little beating heart of my baby. And until the day I can put this heart into my child as it grows inside me, this little heart will continue beating in sync with my own. I love you baby... no matter what, you will always exist to me deep inside this hole in my heart.

Empty Nest

Today was a horrible day. I woke up with cramping in my tummy... Aunt Flo was on her way, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was excited because I didn't even spot yesterday like I have been the last two cycles before this. I woke up knowing that it was all just a cruel joke. This was confirmed when she made her grand entrance this afternoon. I can remember saying that I just wanted an egg... that's all I wanted- a chance to get pregnant. Here we are with three eggs that have come and gone, and I'm taking back my statement. I don't just want an egg. I want my baby already! I want to feel it grow inside me, bring it in this world, and complete my family. I have an empty nest, and the worst part is that the eggs keep falling out of our nest before they even have a chance to hatch. I just don't understand where we are going wrong. I have an egg, my husband has strong swimmers, and yet we have no baby growing to show for it. I hate you PCOS! I typically try to keep this blog upbeat, but today, there is no up to my beat. And if I'm going to give a true portrayal of the misadventures of this dreadful medical condition, I guess showing the true colors is necessary sometimes.