My Secret Plan

When I was younger, I used to tell everyone I didn't want to get married or have kids. Ask anyone who knew me through high school, and I guarantee they heard it come out of my mouth at least once. Here's the secret.... I was afraid. When I was told I had cysts, there was a mention that I may not be able to have kids. Even at a young age, I took this very seriously and thought about it for a very long time. I'm not sure why, but I'm a planner for all things. I decided that I was going to plan my future to protect myself and others. I didn't want to marry anyone just in case they wanted kids. And of course, I lied to myself and everyone else that I didn't want kids either because I was terrified of the let down in not being able to have any. Then I met my husband. I remember talking to him and a couple other people about my nephews and niece, and he asked me if I wanted kids of my own. I quickly said no to which he gave me the most astonished look. Later I revealed to him that it might not be that I don't want them but that I can't have them. When we started getting serious in our relationship, he asked me again if I wanted children. Absolutely smitten and in love with this man, I knew I wanted to start a family with him. I admitted my fears, and he assured me that if we were to get married, even through other means such as adoption, we would have a family. Until I stumbled upon a man worth risking it all, I was set against getting my heart broken. Now as I get the monthly let down, I am often reminded of why we are doing this. I want a baby. Not just a baby, but our baby. And the let down will be worth the joy a child will bring in our life.