So It Continues... Day 31

I happened to find another infertility blog challenge while browsing some other blogs. Some of the questions were repeats, but others were different. I thought to myself- well, what else do I have to talk about? I’m not sure how many more I will add, but we’ll just take it as it comes. That seems to be the theme of my life these days. 

Day 31- When talking to your fertile parenting friends, what is/was your favorite “perk” of childlessness to rub in their face? Come on, confess!

I think the two I hear the most are sleep and vacations. Now, this is what bothers me about this. I’m taking fertility meds. One of the latest and greatest (insert annoyed groan here) side effects has been insomnia. While everyone is telling me to enjoy sleeping in, what they don’t know is that I haven’t slept well in months! They can take that “enjoy your sleep” bullshit and throw that right out the window. Then you have the vacations. Yeah, it would be great to go enjoy some vacations without the kids. Except any extra money we would like to spend on vacations will more than likely be tucked away for fertility treatments. Tell me again now... what perks are there to being childless? Yeah, that’s what I thought... none.

Day 30

Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

I have been dreading this post. In fact, unlike most of the posts that I had written right away and ready to be posted, I avoided even writing it. Why? Because I know for a fact that the relationship I have with some of the people reading this blog have been negatively impacted by my infertility. As difficult as it is for me to write this, I have to do it. I think it will be healing for both me and those readers who are impacted by it. 

Often, my husband will ask me why it is so hard to be friends with pregnant people. He just doesn’t see how this would make me feel so sad. Don’t get me wrong, he wants this baby just as much as I do, but he doesn’t feel the same way when it comes to jealousy and envy. I feel like such a jerk when I avoid seeing friends who are pregnant, but it is a struggle to watch others have what I have worked so hard for. Not to say that these people don’t deserve it because I know they will all make great parents, but my selfishness has caused me to avoid them and my own feelings. Until this journey, I really don’t think I knew what the feeling of jealousy was. That gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling where you just look at someone or something and can’t fathom why you can’t have what they have.

The best way I can describe it is to think about a promotion at work. (I promise this doesn’t even come close to a great analogy, but work with me!) You put in extra hours, ask for additional work, and do everything you possibly can think of to get this promotion. You were told it might be tough to get there, so you were sure to start putting the extra efforts in right away. You have a few friends who work with you. One doesn’t really want it, but after a couple promotions, it will be a nice addition. Another friend is not really ready for it, but they will appreciate it if it happens. Another friend has tried and done a few extra things here and there, and they really do want it. Now, all these people will be happy with it, and it will be a nice addition to their lives. However, although you don’t “deserve” it more, you have put in the extra time and effort. You watch as all three friends get promoted while you still bust your ass every day trying to get to that next level. Soon, some other friends come along and do the same thing while you’re still stuck working overtime and hoping it will pay off next month. How do you feel? Do you feel jealous? Do you envy what they have? Are you happy for them but still wish you could be happy with them? If you answered yes to any of those, you have just gotten a taste of what I’m talking about. 

Now, to get back to the main question, many of my friendships and relationships are burdened by this curse. It is in no way their fault, and it is certainly not my intentions to hurt them. In all honesty, my avoidance is my way of coping. I would hope a true friend will understand and let me cope this way. I will come around whether it is tomorrow, next month, or next year. It might happen before, during, or after pregnancy. I’m not really sure because I can only take it as it comes. All I can do is pray that while these friendships have taken a negative turn, the friends will really understand it’s not them. To anyone whose relationship with me has been negatively impacted, I do apologize. I ask that you be patient with me and understand I do value our friendship, and I do want it back!

Day 29 & Another Update

Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?

My knowledge of my condition certainly impacted my life choices. I was scared to death of marriage and finding the right person because I knew that my fertility issues would impact them. Nobody wants to be the person who can't give their loved one a child. I am so thankful I have a husband who accepts me and is willing to travel this weary road with me. It also impacted when we would decide to start trying for children. We never got that fun newlywed stage because we knew our baby making would have to start right away to get time on our side. It also impacts how we make decisions in our life today. It impacts big decisions like when to buy a house or what job to take. It impacts my small daily decisions like whether I will drink a wine cooler or choose to exercise. Even though we are not pregnant yet, every decision in our life is surrounded by the possibility of having a baby and my fertility treatments.

As for the update... it's a quick one. The beta hcg test came back negative (as expected), so I'll be starting my triple dose of the trial meds tonight. Get ready for a hormonal casserole, folks! ;-)

Day 28 & Update

A little heads up that this is a long one! As for my update - Well, it's been awhile since I've actually updated on my current situation. I was on my fourth round of the trial medications. Of the first three, I ovulated on the first and third. However, this fourth time, I again did not ovulate. I had my appointment today which came just in time after some weird bleeding this week. Turns out I have a cyst (not the regular PCOS cyst) on my one ovary. The cyst is thankfully just under the size that would force us to stop treatments. It is still undetermined whether the bleeding and cyst were connected, and there's no way to know for sure what caused it. As of right now, the bleeding is just spotting. 

For the regular follicle/cyst count, it was 28 and 18. This is a huge difference from the 80 and 55 on my first appointment! The doctor also found a fibroid on my uterus, but he said that the position of it should not impact my fertility. My progesterone level was a 0.5 (it needs to be above 3.0 in order to confirm ovulation), so it was very clear I didn't ovulate. My lining was only a 4 mm (it was around 9mm on my ovulatory cycles) which meant I didn't need to start my period again in order to do my final round of medications.

Which leads me to the current situation. We are to start my triple dose of medications tomorrow as long as my beta pregnancy test comes back negative. There is some positive to all this. I am super glad we have one last round since I didn't know if we would get another shot. We are edging closer to the end of the trial with no new recruits being accepted. I am hopeful that the increased dose will help my ovaries cooperate! I got to talk to my doctor who is super awesome and answered all my questions. He assured me that if we don't get pregnant this cycle he will talk it over with me to let me know my options. Finally, I had the real numbers for this trial told to me. There are some numbers being tossed around on the internet for the success rate of this trial. From what my doctor has said, the results have been about 44% of the trial participants getting pregnant. In the words of the movie 50/50, if I was a casino game, I'd have the best odds. Might not be 50/50, but it's high enough to make me feel a little more confident in the possibilities. 

While I know this last shot may not result in pregnancy or ovulation for that matter, I have to remain confident that we are doing everything we can with what we have right now. I had a break down last night wondering why I'm doing this, but after some good talks with my husband and Mama J, I'm certain we are on the path to our baby even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Oh, and one last update... I am down even more weight! Based on my file at the trial, I am down 3 pounds since my last appointment 3 weeks ago and 17 pounds since my baseline appointment at the start of the trial. My blood pressure was down to 123/70 compared to my 138/87 my first appointment. Let's just say, my weight loss has probably done a lot for me in more ways than helping me ovulate.

Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now?

It is meant to be a spare bedroom, but right now we mostly use it as storage. My husband has a bunch of boxes with stuff we pulled from his parents’ storage all piled up in there. I have a dresser full of crafting items and a bookcase filled with school books. We have a futon, but we still haven’t managed to get it set up in there for people to sleep in there. When my nephews come up, that is their room, and they will tell you. We set up the futon mattress and the tv from our bedroom. It's so cute when I hear, "Aunt Kim... come in my room with me." :-)

Day 27

Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.

The hardest part about explaining infertility is that many don’t see it as a medical concern. I have PCOS, and that is a medical condition. It is not like we just don’t have enough sex, or we are stressing too much over it. In order to do this, I’ve learned that you have to explain it in easier terms. I have a medical condition just like a diabetic person does. Without the use of modern medicine, it is highly unlikely for me to ever get pregnant.

Day 26

Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.

I wasn’t the product of infertility. My mom got pregnant right away with her first two pregnancies. Her third pregnancy she tried six months and had a loss at around twelve weeks. She got pregnant with me the cycle after her loss. My husband’s parents had a battle with infertility. They tried for seven years to get pregnant. They had given up long before, and suddenly she was pregnant with my husband’s older brother. Two years later they had my husband and his identical twin. His mom was also the product of secondary infertility. Her mom had a son and tried for several years before finally getting pregnant again with her second child. I think the hardest part about this is that they did go on to have children. You'd think that this would be encouraging, but it is quite the opposite. It feels like my pain with this infertility is unjustified because of how long they tried. Like me trying for almost two years is nothing, and it'll happen. I'm sorry, but with no eggs, there is no baby. I don't know all the details, but I'd guess they at least had opportunities to ovulate unlike me. I can't go seven years and finally get my baby without medical help. It just isn't possible.

Day 25

Day 25 - Have you ever bonded with someone IRL (in real life) over infertility?

Yes. Mama J has been through her own struggles, and we have bonded a lot. I love that I can talk to her about anything. Literally, I can send her a picture of my ovulation test or talk about baby-making, and she doesn’t get weird about it. It is such a taboo subject, so it is tough to have someone to really bond over. 

I also have found a group of gals who have been absolutely precious in the virtual world while I've been trying. These girls are a wealth of knowledge, and often understand when most just don't get it. They might not be the "in real life" that was implied in the post, but I do believe I have found some friends for life even if they do live all over the country. 

All in all, I value the friendships that have grown from this journey. Many times, infertility can absolutely tear friendships apart which I have personally experienced. I appreciate and enjoy the friendships I have gained in the journey, and I'd like to think it is one of the positive things I've  been given in this misadventure.

Day 24

Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?

Well, if they look at my bedside, they’ll see my thermometer and a couple books about infertility sitting there. They could see my prenatal vitamins and trial med containers sitting in the kitchen above the toaster oven. They would see my daily log for the trial on my table. If they open up the cupboard in the bathroom, they’ll see my stock pile of ovulation and pregnancy tests among some other “fertility friendly” items. Then, if they picked up my phone or computer, it’d be all over with my fertility apps and websites bookmarked.