Day 30

Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

I have been dreading this post. In fact, unlike most of the posts that I had written right away and ready to be posted, I avoided even writing it. Why? Because I know for a fact that the relationship I have with some of the people reading this blog have been negatively impacted by my infertility. As difficult as it is for me to write this, I have to do it. I think it will be healing for both me and those readers who are impacted by it. 

Often, my husband will ask me why it is so hard to be friends with pregnant people. He just doesn’t see how this would make me feel so sad. Don’t get me wrong, he wants this baby just as much as I do, but he doesn’t feel the same way when it comes to jealousy and envy. I feel like such a jerk when I avoid seeing friends who are pregnant, but it is a struggle to watch others have what I have worked so hard for. Not to say that these people don’t deserve it because I know they will all make great parents, but my selfishness has caused me to avoid them and my own feelings. Until this journey, I really don’t think I knew what the feeling of jealousy was. That gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling where you just look at someone or something and can’t fathom why you can’t have what they have.

The best way I can describe it is to think about a promotion at work. (I promise this doesn’t even come close to a great analogy, but work with me!) You put in extra hours, ask for additional work, and do everything you possibly can think of to get this promotion. You were told it might be tough to get there, so you were sure to start putting the extra efforts in right away. You have a few friends who work with you. One doesn’t really want it, but after a couple promotions, it will be a nice addition. Another friend is not really ready for it, but they will appreciate it if it happens. Another friend has tried and done a few extra things here and there, and they really do want it. Now, all these people will be happy with it, and it will be a nice addition to their lives. However, although you don’t “deserve” it more, you have put in the extra time and effort. You watch as all three friends get promoted while you still bust your ass every day trying to get to that next level. Soon, some other friends come along and do the same thing while you’re still stuck working overtime and hoping it will pay off next month. How do you feel? Do you feel jealous? Do you envy what they have? Are you happy for them but still wish you could be happy with them? If you answered yes to any of those, you have just gotten a taste of what I’m talking about. 

Now, to get back to the main question, many of my friendships and relationships are burdened by this curse. It is in no way their fault, and it is certainly not my intentions to hurt them. In all honesty, my avoidance is my way of coping. I would hope a true friend will understand and let me cope this way. I will come around whether it is tomorrow, next month, or next year. It might happen before, during, or after pregnancy. I’m not really sure because I can only take it as it comes. All I can do is pray that while these friendships have taken a negative turn, the friends will really understand it’s not them. To anyone whose relationship with me has been negatively impacted, I do apologize. I ask that you be patient with me and understand I do value our friendship, and I do want it back!