Vent

Today is one of those days where I really need to vent. I need to vent about all those little things that are seriously driving me insane. Really, I feel like I need padded walls to bang my head on right now! ;-) In all seriousness, I am having a horrible day. Aunt Flo made her grand entrance. There was complete miscommunication and poor organization with the trial resulting in some major nonsense this afternoon. Is all of this worth the pain, or would it be better to just save for a year and do it without all the freebie bull crap? To top it all off, I'm just really cranky in general. I am trying very hard to remain calm and have a good day, but days like this really are hard to do that. I don't want to vent it all because honestly, I hate the idea of publicly airing my dissatisfaction in life right now. Instead, I think a perfect end to this would be a glass of wine and some cookies! Yep, sounds good to me!

Just a Little Updatin'

This week I am a little anxious because the hubby will be out of town for his business trip. The good news is that I have the J Fam coming to keep me company! I simply love spending time with Mama J, and she truly is my support system. Without her guidance, support, and love, I'd probably have thrown in the towel. And that isn't just for the fight against PCOS. She has been there to remind me that I can do it no matter how hard the struggle or what mountain I'll climb. She's right there holding my hand telling me it is worth it. Another great thing is that I get my kid fix. My J boys are a wonderful blessing, and I get so excited to spend time with them. I see them learn and grow. I see the changes in them and how they've grown up just a little more every time. Then I remember that we all have that growth. No matter how old we get, we are constantly learning and growing as people. After all, old people aren't full of wisdom without having something to learn and grow from. So here's to a new chapter. A new mountain. A new lesson. I am so blessed to have my husband and an amazing support group, and I'm prepared to face whatever life has to offer because ready or not, every day is a new challenge to be taken!

Advice

The other day I received some great advice. A friend who knows exactly what I'm going through and how it feels reminded me that while trying to have a baby is serious business, I cannot let it consume me. It is a part of my life- not my life entirely. 

I have to remember there are other things to enjoy. In example, today I had a great day just being a wife. I went and did a massive grocery shopping with a list in hand for all the ingredients we need. Yes, we laid out a menu of things we want for the next week, so I could prepare for them. Tonight I made yummy chili and cornbread muffins. Yesterday I made stuffed chicken breasts, buttery noodles, and super easy peanut butter cookies. I wouldn't call myself a chef, but I am enjoying this cooking. When I'm not cooking, cleaning, or doing homework, I try very hard to keep myself occupied. I've started back up with my exercise taking walks and doing yoga, and later when the husband is occupying the TV, I either read or work on my fleece blankets. The exercise seems to be paying off too since I've lost 5 pounds again.

I have learned that life can be enjoyable. I can truly be happy being a wife. Obviously being a mom is something I still desire, but being a wife is certainly something I shouldn't take for granted. To leave off, I'll give you my cookie recipe which really I found online somewhere. Be warned they are super peanut-buttery! :-) 

1 cup peanut butter

1 cup sugar

1 tbsp vanilla

1 egg

Mix it up, put them on the greased pan (it makes 1 dozen- perfect for us!), and bake for 10-12 minutes. I opted to put the hash marks with the fork, but in doing so they were kind of crispy. I imagine if I would have left them as the ball shape, they would have been a little softer as the original recipe suggested. Happy Cooking!

Hormonal Anyone?

Woah! Can anyone say hormonal? Yeah, that's me! I read that last post, and holy hormones, batman. ;-) I know that these fertility treatments can take a toll on me, but I really think I need to stop letting it get the best of me. Today I'm actually in a good mood, and I'm going to make it my goal to keep it that way. I have to go do laundry, so pray I don't experience any crazies that will throw this positive attitude thing out the window. lol On another note, things really are going well in my life. I am passing my classes with flying colors. My wonderful husband has been pleasant enough to not take any of my rude and hormone-fueled comments to heart. We are looking at houses to buy although we plan on waiting awhile since we are locked in this lease. It's still fun to look! I'm thinking I need to just take a chill pill and enjoy what life has to offer. Baby or no baby, this is life. It is only as good as I let it be.

When Exactly...

Did I become such a hostile and angry person? I can remember the feeling of happiness. Yes, it has been awhile, but I do remember how it feels. You know, that feeling where you just can't stop smiling, and life just seems to be going exactly how it should be. I'm pretty sure I haven't felt that feeling in far too long. Even on days when everything is going right, there is a void in my life. I love my husband so much, and I feel terrible that I am not the person he married. I am not that happy go lucky person who found the positive in life even when there was more negative to go around. Now, I'm just a pessimistic asshole who can't seem to accept the barren womb inside her. I seem to have this short fuse that is fueled by hormones. I am so fucking tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible wife. Even worse I'm tired of feeling like a horrible person in general. All those special moments for others are hindered by my jealousy and rage. I can't help but think there is something wrong with me beyond these ugly ovaries of mine. Would I really be that happy person again if I had a baby? Some days I wonder... and honestly, the longer we wait, the less I think I will ever go back to the person I was.

If Life Had a Remote

If life had a remote, oh what a happy person I would be.

Pause: Those moments where you see just how beautiful life is, and you want to soak it up for just a couple more seconds.

Stop: When you can't seem to figure out where you are going, and you need to take a break to figure things out.

Fast Forward: All those times when you understand the importance of something but just need it to be done already.

Record: All those special times that are worthy of experiencing another time.

Mute: Of all the buttons, this is the one I wish it had the most now. To opt not to listen to the things that drive me nuts and make me a person I don't want to be.

Going Down....

The number of cysts that is. Today at my mid-luteal appointment they did another ultrasound. My cysts were 55 and 80 the last time I had one just three weeks ago. Today I had 43 and 54. Not too bad considering where I'm coming from. Here's to hoping they were nice enough to make some room for a good follicle to release a plump and mature egg. We can only hope!

S Is For Strength

Strength: the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance.

No matter the amount of perseverance, optimism, or courage I have, I must have strength. I have to be strong for myself and my family. I must exert my every efforts and remember that being weak is no longer an option. I will conquer this misadventure of PCOS. I HAVE TO!

O Is For Optimism

Optimism: a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

Misadventure it may be, but PCOS will never stand in the way of  my disposition to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will not fail to remember I can and will beat this.

C Is For Courage

Courage: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Every day is battle in this misadventure, and courage is a necessity. I will face the pain and difficulties that are in my path, and I will courageously move forward. Mind over matter with my prized possession in sight. 

P Is For Perseverance

Perseverance: steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

In this misadventure of PCOS, I have to remember to be steady as I take on this fight. No amount of struggles or obstacles will stand in the way of my end goal. No matter how discouraged I may feel, every day is an opportunity to persevere and work towards what I want in this life. PCOS will stand no chance as an obstacle when I persevere in my course of action.

Remembering

Today means a lot of things. Today I am reminded that this battle is going to be a long one. We are starting our 18th month of trying to have a baby today. I lit a candle for Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance, but it signifies so much. I remember the beautiful J Angel I said hello and goodbye to all in the same day. You were an absolutely beautiful angel, and I will forever remember the blessing you were even if for such a brief time. I remember my lovely sister Mama J and her family as they remember you today and every day. I remember the lost angels that I face every month. Every lost opportunity for pregnancy is a loss for me. So today, I remember. 

I remember the angels who guide and protect us.

Side Effects

One of the most recent things I've encountered is that nothing tastes good to me. Literally, nothing at all is appealing. One of the only things I can stomach without gagging is Pepsi. Not exactly good for me either. I tried eating pork for lunch, and I barely ate half of one without yacking it up. I'm pretty sure this is another side effect of the meds. Some other side effects are extreme body aches, headaches, dizziness, upset stomach and mood swings. I'm really thinking I am taking Femara based on my previous experience with Clomid. With Clomid, the worst part was hot flashes and vomiting. I haven't had any hot flashes *yet* and only had vomiting twice this cycle.

I feel like one of those commercials where they rattle on about the possible side effects and to seek immediate help if it worsens or persists.... yeah, I'm a walking commercial! lol Aside from these side effects, I'm doing okay. I just want this all to be done and over with. Honestly, I want it now more than ever. While I always wanted to get pregnant, I want it more now simply because I don't know how many more months of this I can do.

It's My Pity Party...

And I'll cry if I want to! There are days when I have to cry it out. I close the windows. I close the shades. I close myself off from the world.  In this little pity party of mine, I take these moments to cry. I cry for the pain in my ovaries that never goes away. I cry for the weight that seems to pile on no matter how much I try. I cry for the hair that makes me feel more man than woman. Lastly, I cry for the baby that will never be. On those days, let me be. Let me cry. Let my feelings pour out, and tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will put on my game face, tweeze my chin hairs, work out instead of nomming on some cookies, and take some Tylenol. But today. Today is my day. It's my pity party, and I'll cry if I damn well want to!

Dear Baby

Dear baby,

It's been awhile since I've written you. Sometimes I have to remind myself that one day you will get to read this. That I will get to print out this blog and put it into your baby book. I have to remember that you will be here. One day. One day you will. You have to be!

Days like today are hard. I get up and face the world. I face the fear that I may be barren and without you for the rest of my life. I have that glimmer of hope every time I see a positive ovulation test or know the medicines have done their job. Then it all gets thrown away when a new cycle begins. Even in the middle of the cycle I cry thinking that it just isn't our time yet.

Baby, I just want to hold you. I want to kiss you. I want to spoil you rotten. I want you! Never a day goes by that I don't think of you and how complete you will make me feel. Baby, please bless me and come join me and daddy in this world. I love you so dearly, and I pray every day I will have the strength to fight one more day. I pray I will have the courage to fight this battle and finally beat the wrath of infertility. We can do this. Mommy, Daddy, and Baby fighting against nature and finally get to meet.

I love you baby. Whether you are here in my heart or in my arms, I love you!

Love, 

Mommy

Fruity

We've all seen it. People comparing their developing pregnancy to the size of fruit. Well being the fruitless PCOS'er I am, I like to compare other things to fruit. In example, consider my ovary to be a blackberry. It's about the right size, and look at all those little round bumps on it. Well, we'll just call those my cysts. I swear the next time I see someone refer to their fetal development to a blueberry or grape, I'm going to bust out my blackberry analogy and show how I can be a little fruity too!

55 & 80...

Yep, you guessed it. That's how many cysts I have. That poor ultrasound tech was counting for what felt like forever. I hate the idea that my ovaries suck so bad that they have so many cysts on them. Then I think, um no wonder they weren't working right! I asked her if they were residual from the last time, and she said some were but many were new. I kidded with her and the research coordinator that I should really start playing the lotto or getting a prize for how many I have. You can tell they try to laugh with me, but really the humor is just a mask for my disappointment.

I was able to start the study medication this weekend, and let's just say I feel like a menopausal woman PMSing! On top of still having that darn ear infection, I am blessed with some major symptoms. I get to write it all down on the research form which has been a struggle in differentiating between the medication symptoms and ear infection, but some things I've experienced *TMI* include diarrhea, headache, mood swings, and extreme emotions. The best way I can describe it for the last one is that I feel like crying all day. Literally, no reason or triggers- just want to cry it out all day long. I wonder how much water weight I am losing when I cry so much? ;-) No matter how much this sucks, I have to keep my eyes on the prize. I mean it is making my poly-cystic dysfunctional ovaries do what they're supposed to, so it's worth it!