Did I become such a hostile and angry person? I can remember the feeling of happiness. Yes, it has been awhile, but I do remember how it feels. You know, that feeling where you just can't stop smiling, and life just seems to be going exactly how it should be. I'm pretty sure I haven't felt that feeling in far too long. Even on days when everything is going right, there is a void in my life. I love my husband so much, and I feel terrible that I am not the person he married. I am not that happy go lucky person who found the positive in life even when there was more negative to go around. Now, I'm just a pessimistic asshole who can't seem to accept the barren womb inside her. I seem to have this short fuse that is fueled by hormones. I am so fucking tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible wife. Even worse I'm tired of feeling like a horrible person in general. All those special moments for others are hindered by my jealousy and rage. I can't help but think there is something wrong with me beyond these ugly ovaries of mine. Would I really be that happy person again if I had a baby? Some days I wonder... and honestly, the longer we wait, the less I think I will ever go back to the person I was.
I think about this all the time. It consumes my day sometimes especially since my mom took me out to dinner and broke down in the middle and said she hasnt seen me truly happy in over a year. It's scary. But I think our lives have been stuck in limbo while we wait for a child. A child will fill our days with something to do but in the mean time there is nothing to do but to think "will I ever become a mother?" and that makes us unhappy. When someone we know becomes pregnant we panic inside and we think "I'm running out of time" but if you step back and look at how old we are I think you will realize we have plenty of time. I am unhappy too Kim. But I know it's not b/c of what I know. It's b/c of what I don't.
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