Missing Pieces

Well, it's been awhile since I have written a blog. I just haven't had much to say- I've been busy with school, work, and a little thing called life. :-) I did stumble upon a fact that I thought was worth sharing. For many years I was told that not having a period was fine. As long as I wasn't trying to have a child, there was no reason for me to have one. WRONG! Apparently, if your uterine lining doesn't shed, your chances for uterine cancer increase significantly. Um, thanks for the memo doc! All I have to say is thank goodness we started trying because I would have gone years without a period if we weren't. I can also remember a doctor telling me that PCOS will make the process harder but to just keep trying to have a baby. Um, what's the point in trying if you know there's a missing piece to the puzzle? That's like me trying to put something together without all the pieces... don't worry, I know you don't have all the pieces, but just keep trying. I remember telling my current doctor that I was told that, and he laughed and said well then I guess it's a good thing you came here. 

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend! I'm going to be enjoying a barbecue and swimming with my family! Yay!!

Family Act

Every day someone faces the pain of infertility. While the most significant pain is in the heart, it can be felt in other places. One that seems to impact many is to the pocketbook. I can't even begin to tell you how much money we have spent over the last year on infertility. Whether it is insurance deductibles, things that aren't covered by insurance, pregnancy and ovulation tests, natural treatments.... we feel the burn every time. If I could have one wish other than being blessed with a little one, it would be that insurance is required to cover fertility treatments for people with a medical issue causing issues with conceiving. That's why I sent a letter to our state senators requesting that the Family Act of 2011 be supported by them.

Here are some features of the act:

• The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs associated with in vitro fertilization (IVF) including diagnostic tests, laboratory charges, professional charges, and medications for IVF.
• The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs of fertility preservation procedures if the man or woman is diagnosed with cancer and the cancer treatment or disease itself may result in infertility.
• The Family Act has a cost sharing provision allowing 50% of all applicable medical expenses to be  covered up to a lifetime maximum of $13,360. You would need to have out-of-pocket costs totaling $26,720 to claim the entire credit in your lifetime.
• If you do not owe taxes in a particular year, do not owe enough taxes to use the whole credit, or do not reach the max amount in one tax year, it carries over to the next year for a max of five years after the first year you use the credit. 
• The Family Act is available to couples filing jointly with adjusted gross incomes of less than $222,520, but the credit is smaller for those earning between $182,500 and $222,520.

If you're interested in learning more or sending your own email request for support, look at this link.

History Lesson

I thought I'd give a little background to how PCOS came into my life, and at what point it took it over. Back when I first started my periods, they were just awful! Painful, heavy, and downright crazy. I just figured I was blessed with a mess and dealt with it. Later on, I went to the hospital for kidney stones. While I was there, they did a CAT scan, and in addition to the kidney stones, they found cysts on my ovaries and an issue with my back which is a whole new story. lol

The emergency room referred me to my family doctor to follow up. My doctor sent me in for an ultrasound to find out if the cysts were causing any issues. The technician spent forever and a day taking a ton of pictures, and she even when to get another technician to look as well. When I got the results, they said I had a lot of cysts, and some of them were bursting. All the fluid is what the tech was so concerned about. The doctor put me on birth control pill, and I went on my way. After that, my periods were extremely light, and I was absolutely delighted.

Fast forward to the summer after I graduated from high school. I am not sure why, but I hated taking the sugar pills for birth control. I guess now I know why they have you take them... because I totally forgot to start taking the pill after my week off. Since I wasn't sexually active, I wasn't concerned. I waited, and waited, and waited- but no period came. About 18 months later with still no period, I finally decided that I should get it looked into. I was young and totally loving no period, and at the time, I was happy about it. I went to the doctor, and he prescribed me pills to start my cycle and more birth control. I went about a year on this with no real issues and a regular cycle.

All the sudden I started having issues again. Random bleeding at weird times, painful cramps, a lot of concerns that bothered me a heck of a lot more than not having a period at all. At this point, I was with living with my husband, and we agreed I should get it taken care of. I went to the doctor, had a bunch of bloodwork done, and got an ultrasound. The results came in, and the doctor said that since nothing else was coming up, it must be PCOS. Um, what are you PCOS whisperer? You are just guessing that since you can't figure it out? Needless to say, I was annoyed and just wanted to be done with it all. She changed my birth control pill, and things started getting better again.

Finally, go to about two months after I married my husband. I had been off the pill with a couple normal cycles, but it was like a switch went off to make my cycles wonky as soon as we started trying to have a baby. I decided to look for a new doctor, and found a male doctor who was quick to get me in. We had another ultrasound, and we went over all my symptoms. It was then that I finally got an official diagnosis of PCOS without anyone just "guessing" it was that. He gave me some medicine to start my cycle again, try for another month, and if I didn't ovulate to come back and start treatments. Of course, being the stubborn person I am, I wanted to try everything I could to do it on my own. I did all the natural options I could find, but to no avail, it didn't work.

Once I got over my pride, I decided it was time to let the doctor work his magic. And here we are, witnessing his magic trick! I never thought I'd finally see the day!

The Shot Glass and New Direction

Alright, you know you're trying to have a baby when the shot glass has turned into a pee sample container! The ovulation and pregnancy tests I bought require you to pee in a cup, and then you dip the test in it for three seconds. As I was rummaging through my cups trying to figure out which one would be given as a sacrifice to the Pee Gods, I saw a shot glass. Now this poor shot glass, to the best of my knowledge, hasn't been used in the last three years I've been living with my husband. I dusted it off and put it in my bathroom cupboard next to my hefty supply of tests. Every time I pee in said shot glass, I can't help but laugh. Sometimes I wonder what I'll do with my trusty shot glass after we finally get our positive pregnancy test.... I'm guessing nobody will want to drink out of my potty shot. :-) 


As for my new direction, I realized that this blog has sort of turned into the misadventures of trying to conceive rather than PCOS. So for future posts, I'm going to try and limit the baby talk and maximize the cyst talk. The cool part is that even when I complain about symptoms- like the sore tatas and cramps- you'll never know if it is from PCOS, ovulation, Aunt Flo, or pregnancy. After all, I never do either!

Hot topics of my day

I have a few things to discuss today... and while I usually like to stay on topic, I'm thinking this is just going to be a rambling post! ;-) My first hot topic of the day... I had my first positive ovulation test last night! If you look at my chart, if the three temperatures after the dip stay above the three before the dip, it means I ovulated. Eventually when there is confirmation, there will be crosshairs that make it a lot easier to understand. In the mean time, I'm just super pumped that the ovulation tests and temping seem to both be in agreement that we got ourselves an egg!!!!

Which brings me to my next topic... do I dare announce my pregnancy on here if we do get pregnant? I feel that if people are taking the time to read this, they would be supportive if anything were to happen. Not to mention the fact that this is usually where I can say anything and everything, so it would drive me nuts to not be able to talk about it. So anyways, in two and a half weeks, when we find out if we catch the egg, I'm sure I'll decide if I want to post it or not. Then again, people who are loyal readers will get suspicious and wonder where my, "Ugh, on to round 3 of Clomid" post is even if I don't make an official announcement. 

Which brings me to my final topic... we have been trying for a year, and at times it felt like it was never going to happen. Since it has been such a crazy ride, I want to surprise my family with our announcement. You readers will have to keep it a major secret from anyone and everyone if this is going to work as I plan on waiting at least until 8 weeks to tell them. I have a few ideas up my sleeve. Since our family lives kind of far away, I was thinking about sending a card to the grandparents- you know something about being a grandma or grandpa and sign it with Baby *insert last name here*. Then I wonder how I'm going to tell my husband. I have a feeling I will just be so excited that I'll just blurt it out, but I see all these super cute ideas of how to tell your husband. My favorite is getting a little box, putting the test in there, and telling him it is a gift. 

Oh, decisions, decisions! On to the dreaded two week wait! ;-)

Charts not Chance

Sometimes I feel like I've been cheated out of the fun experience of getting pregnant. You know, the part where you get to just have sex all the time and hope you get knocked up? Instead of hoping that we time it right, my doctor has me temping. Temping means that every morning at the same time you take your temperature. You can't get out of bed or anything... it has to be immediately to get your temperature at your nocturnal state. This isn't all that bad minus having to get up early every morning just so I can take my temperature. The cruddy part is that I can't just enjoy ignorance and have sex whenever. Instead, I monitor my temperatures and use ovulation strips to watch for a surge in the ovulation hormone. 

And this is where the charts take over chance. At one point I said forget it to  charting because it was taking the fun out of the process. Now my doctor is insisting I do it in order to verify ovulation. If you are interesting in taking a peak at my chart, I have a link below. I guess it's not all that bad to know exactly when you can catch an egg, but I am certainly realizing there is some major truth to the saying that ignorance is bliss. 

Random Thoughts & Mood Swings

Random Thought of the Day: The other day I was reading a magazine, and I read that you make better financial decisions when you have to pee. I came to two conclusions. The first is that pregnant women must be the best financial planners ever! Anyone who is trying to convince their significant other of having another kid, just tell them that it will pay off in the long run in all the money you save in your big financial decisions during the pregnancy. Second, there are so many things in this world that rank higher than that in terms of needing to be studied. Why on earth would someone study that? Why not put forth the time, effort, and funds into trying to find a cure for a disease? Is anyone really going to benefit from knowing they should wait to pee until after they buy a car? 


Moving on from my random thought of the day... I have been extremely moody which we can thank the Clomid for. Yesterday I went off on my husband because he said he didn't know what we should have for dinner. Later on we were laying down, and I said, "You know the Clomid can cause mood swings... I haven't noticed any." (Of course in a major sarcastic tone and grin on my face.) He looks over and says, "Nope. None at all," and just smiles at me. And that is just one of the many reasons why my husband is amazing! :)

Finally over!

Well, the worst day of the year is finally over. I spent the night at Mama J's Saturday night and came home to my husband on Sunday morning. We went out to brunch, and he told me Happy Mother's Day. This is a huge step since he has always said that even people who are pregnant aren't "moms" yet. He smiled and said don't worry honey, next year we'll have our baby. I came home, finished up some homework, and then took some Tylenol PM to sleep my pain away. I had a headache, but it mostly helped me as I mended my broken heart. 

I've always been one that thought in some way there has to be something good to come out of this. I have learned that as we struggle with infertility, I am growing stronger. I have learned to pick my battles, enjoy my husband, and live life to the fullest. The most important lesson- to cherish my children. I talk to me eggs every night, and I remind them that even if they haven't met daddy's half, we will always love them.

I have been feeling very confident in light of ovulating. I just have this feeling that what I once thought was an unattainable goal is now slowly becoming within my reach. Below is a picture of my new tattoo... a new beginning. Good-bye infertility, hello future motherhood. <3

Seed of Life: Sign of Protection and Fertility

Happy Mother's Day

First, I'd like to say Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful moms out there! I may be jealous, but I do value the amount of effort, time and love you put into raising your children. For that, I thank you! This year I plan on celebrating Mother's Day a little differently. Last year I spent it doing all the last minute preparations for our wedding and sending my mom lots of love over the phone. This year, I am going with Mama J to get something to celebrate my first year as a mom. My bean may not have sprout, but I am celebrating a victory of having a bean at all. I have dedicated the last year of my life to becoming a mother, and I am at the point that I need that boost of confidence. Saturday we are going to get the Seed of Life (also called the flower of life) pendant tattooed on the top of my foot. It stands for blessing, fertility, and protection. I am hopeful that this will be not only a tribute to the time I have spent working towards bringing new life in this world, but a celebration of the success of this adventure. Pictures to come!

My ABCs of TTC

A. Age when you started TTC: Technically 21, but I turned 22 a month later.

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Baby Dancing… after a year of TTC, the thrill of sex isn’t really there anymore.

C. Children wanted: Two would be nice, but at this point, one little munchkin will be perfect.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: No pets, darn apartment rules! But I get my baby and kid fix with my nephews, niece, and friends’ kids.

E.  Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Just prenatals.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid.

 G. Gain: Ugh, so much… but I’m down 10 of the 75 I want to lose!

 H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram):  I had one scheduled, but my insurance didn’t cover it. Since Clomid unexpectedly worked, we are waiting until a later date.

 I.  Infertile Pet Peeves: *People who give unwanted advice when all they have to do is look at their significant other and can get knocked up. *Multiple updates- like daily- about pregnancies on social networks. If you want to talk about your baby that much, go to Baby Center! *People who tell me that I need to relax even after I have told them I have a medical condition. Do you tell people who are diabetic to just relax and their medical problems will just disappear? *And the all time worst- people who have children and don’t appreciate them.

 J. Job title: HR Intern and Online Tutor

 K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Oh, it’s happened already. I was absolutely heart broken when I saw a couple get pregnant when they were not in the position to have another. And what do they name it? Oh, the girl name we had picked out. Mama J told me not to worry because our baby will be much cuter. lol

 L. Length of time TTC: One year almost to the date.

M.  Miscarriages: None, although I am an absolute wreck when I think about the increased chances.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Three… finally found one that was willing to work with me.

 O. Ovarian quality: I’m going to guess not good since they can’t manage to spit out an egg like they are supposed to.

P. POAS or wait for AF: Depends on the day… but I usually try to wait for AF before wasting money on tests.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "You should wait until you are older to try.” “Oh, how old were you when you had your first kid.” “My wife was 16, and I was 17.” Thought running through my head… Run away before I high five your face!

S. Sperm: Getting it checked next week… fingers crossed it is not a dual-infertility case.

T. Time you tried naturally: I spent many months trying the “natural” approach… yeah, no. Doesn’t work. If you really have a fertility issue, natural approaches aren’t much help.

 U. Uterus quality: Not sure. Hopefully better than the ovaries!

 V. Vagina: The Va-jay-jay seems to be in working order. ;)

 W. What baby stuff do you already have?: I have maternity clothes, and that’s about it. I have one bottle carrier that my mom gave me, but I have it buried away out of sight.
 

X.  X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? A few good friends have been willing to offer an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. My family knows some of it, but not all the nitty-gritty details. Mama J has been the one that has been there every waking moment of the journey though.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Haha no, I’m terrible about that.

Z.  Zits: Ugh, I swear, I hope I have the reverse effect and get clear skin during pregnancy!

Part of the Plan?

Of all the things I have been told, the one that hurts the most is that me not getting pregnant is part of God's plan. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself a Christian person, and I do have faith in the Lord above. However, that doesn't mean I agree with the statement that seems to roll off everyone's tongue when it comes to having a baby, or in my case, not having a baby. Do you really think that God wants some drugged out child abuser to have a child? Do you really think that God wants a molested thirteen year old girl to carry a child? I think not! I realize fate has a way of working out, and everything seems to happen for a reason. Yet I cannot grasp the concept that God planned for me to have PCOS. Does that mean that God planned to give my loved one cancers? I think not! While this probably has educated, amused, or royally pissed off the people reading this, I feel as though it has to be said. I am so sick of everyone telling me that my medical issues are God's doings. The anonymity of this blog really does let me express my true feelings, and those who do know me personally will not judge me for these words.

On a more positive note, I had an appointment with Dr. T today. He was very excited that my first round of Clomid worked as he was not hopeful it would do any good, and he didn't seem too concerned that my cycle was a little longer. I told my husband that I ovulated, and he said he was very happy to have such an amazing anniversary present! If we catch an egg this time, our little one will be lined up just right to arrive as his birthday present! Just what he wanted- a crying, screaming, pooping baby. :-)