Getting My Life Back

It seems as though the longer we try, the more I lose myself. I miss that happy person who could just look at her husband and smile knowing life was perfect. I know half of it is hormones, but the other half is just plain sadness. I look back, and I realize I've been wrapped up in fertility treatments for the last 11 months. Literally, I have one more month, and I will have been dealing with fertility medications for an entire year. An entire year I have been a hormonal, unhappy mess. Don't get me wrong, there have been some ups to this. I have learned my body does sometimes react positively to the medications, and I can in fact ovulate on good cycles. However, I've also learned that I have been quite miserable. I always tell myself the end goal is worth it, but there are times when I feel like I'm skewing my hope for denial. Is my hope that I will finally be a mom really hope, or is it really just denial?

I once read a quote by Albert Einstein, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." I realize that these medications just aren't cutting it. At the same time, I also realize I need a break. I need normalcy. I need to have sex with my husband when we are feeling intimate, not when we are hoping I'm fertile. It just isn't fair to either one of us. I need to wake up to my alarm for work not to take my temperature. I need to feel like I can go about my day without wondering if every twinge in my abdomen is my ovary working. I need to stop this. I need a break. 

I'm not giving up. I'm just realizing that there are times when you have to say enough is enough, and I just have to start being me again. With all that being said, I have a plan. I think my heart isn't the only thing that needs a break. My poor ovaries have been on over drive for the last 11 months, and it's time they got a break too. My entire body needs some rest. I plan on taking birth control and Metformin after this trial is done. The birth control will probably be for three months, and the Metformin will be for an undetermined amount of time. I'm not sure when this trial will be done since we're still waiting out to see if I ovulate with this last round, but when it is done, I'm actually going to find that peace I've been missing. I'm going to pop a couple pills to even out my hormones, give my ovaries a rest, let my heart settle, and just live my life. I need this. We need this.